• Which do you love more: me or your idea of me?
  • Would you still love me if I were replaced, piece by piece, until nothing of my original self was left?
  • Follow up question: would what you were loving still be me?
  • If there were a fire and you could save either me, or your high school crush as well as five strangers, which would you pick?
  • Do you think I’m pretty, or do you only think that you think I’m pretty?
  • Would you still love me if neither you nor any other consciousness knew that you did?
  • Do you only love me because of a series of interactions between the particles we’re made of?
  • If all motion stopped but time continued, would you still remember our anniversary?
  • If there were a fire and you could choose between saving me and your high school crush, how would the choice you make in your mind affect the physical matter of your body?
  • If an artificial brain had the same neural states as you, would it love me as much as you do?
  • What’s your favorite thing about me, and in what way am I and that quality connected?
  • If I turned into your high school crush and she turned into me, which would you save from a fire?
  • Do you only love me because you grew up in a culture that had a concept of love?
  • If you thought I was pretty because of my eyes, and I was pretty but only because of my tits, would your belief that I’m pretty be both justified and true?
  • If there were a fire and you could save me, is there any observable fact in the world corresponding to the claim that you should?
  • Do you think I’m pretty, or could an evil spirit have planted the idea in your mind?
  • Would you still love me if I had no subjective experience of the world, only appearing to react to it like an animatronic figure?
  • If you studied every possible fact about me, but only met me at this moment, would you have learned something?
  • If there were another Earth where everything was the same except that I was, on a molecular level, your high school crush, would Twin Earth you still love me?
  • If your love were reduced incrementally, at exactly what point would you no longer love me “heaps and bunches?”
  • If there were a fire and you could save either me or a copy of me identical to the atomic level, which would you choose?
  • Follow up question: how?
  • Would you still love me if you had to first love half of me, than half of the remainder of me, then half of that remainder, and so on to infinity?
  • Do you only love me because of my qualities?
  • If there were a state of emotion called “hatelove,” in which someone loved me passionately until tomorrow morning, at which point they would immediately begin to hate me instead, would there be any way to distinguish this state from love other than waiting?
  • Why is there something rather than nothing?
  • I know that’s not really a relationship question; it just also bothers me.
  • Do you still feel the same way about me as when we first kissed?
  • Follow up question: are those feelings occurring in the same you?
  • Do you only love me for a series of reasons that are either unjustified or justified only by other reasons which themselves must be justified?
  • If there were a fire and you could save either me or your perceptions of me, which would you choose?
  • Would you still love me if I kept asking you these questions?
  • Yeah, okay, that’s fair.
  • I’m definitely still gonna, though
  • Again, totally fair.
  • I’ll just be sitting here, thinking. Indefinitely. See you around!

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Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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