Dear Valued Employee,
It seems that we here at NASA have learned a tried and true lesson that most find out in high school: jocks and nerds simply do not mix. NASA scientists should be spending their days looking through telescopes, studying polarity, or decorating the mudflaps on our rockets with the silhouette of sexy ladies. Yet instead, everyone seems hellbent on humiliating themselves by trying to prove they can perform increasingly elaborate basketball maneuvers. An incident yesterday left one of our directors with a torn rotator cuff, and doctors are unsure if the individual will ever be able to pump their fist in celebration of a successful rocket launch again.
The impact this will have on team morale cannot be overstated. Projections show that if the current situation is allowed to continue without intervention, the vibes at NASA could reach weird levels. Vibes like these have previously only been observed after we discovered that Yoda was a real guy, but he smelled bad and communicated exclusively through incomprehensible screams (big thanks to our incineration team for saving the American people from being disappointed by the true face of their beloved Yoda). At any rate, in an effort to prevent further workplace injury and ensure the safety of our employees, the following basketball moves are hereby banned from being performed on NASA premises.
NASA’s backboard budget is completely out of control as they are shattered on a near-monthly basis by employees trying to perfect this dunk. Because of this, we tragically no longer have room in the budget for more Tang-based cocktail happy hours. In the NBA, this act results in being penalized with a technical foul, but here at NASA, we’re instead going to make you drink a six-pack of Bud Heavy and ride in the thing that spins around in a circle really fast.
Heated Verbal Altercations with Referees
Though NASA does not employ referees, we kindly ask that you stop shouting at co-workers who make the innocent but unfortunate decision to wear black and white. As an added note to anyone wearing such an outfit and being shouted at, please refrain from blowing a whistle at full volume in retaliation. The piercing sound almost always results in broken concentration and has led to countdowns for launches being restarted on at least a dozen occasions.
Chasing a Guy Who Has Something You Want
In basketball, this move is traditionally done to the player who has the ball, but here at NASA, we’ve observed it happening to employees in possession of all types of things, like wallets or bricks of solid gold. The likelihood of an accident occurring as a result of this is high, and it has only gotten higher ever since someone stole the orthotic inserts right out of my shoes.
Entering Into a Brand Sponsorship with Adidas
Recently, NASA was forced to remove our logo from our rocket ships in order to make more room for Adidas decals. So densely wallpapered onto our rockets are these decals that they have increased our shuttles’ weights. Last week, we had to remove one of our rocket’s truck nutz in order to get it airborne (a first in NASA history). Please refrain from entering into any additional brand partnerships on NASA’s behalf. These new space suits, while aesthetically pleasing, simply are not practical as they provide zero protection against space dust, have no life support functionality, and they also make our astronauts look like a bunch of Chas Tenenbaums.
Firing T-Shirt Cannons
NASA’s professional engineers undergo rigorous training to safely wield these incredibly advanced pieces of technology. If you are not certified to shoot a T-shirt that is so universally ill-fitting on all body types that most wouldn’t even wear it as pajamas, DO NOT OPERATE THESE MACHINES. They are not toys. They are extraterrestrial weapons that were gifted to humanity to advance our ability to energize a crowd.
Flipping Off the Jumbotron
Continue to act in a manner that is devoid of maturity and you will lose your Jumbotron privileges, along with the kiss cams they entail. Actually, now that I think about it, HR has requested that we immediately discontinue that practice, but be aware that your ability to see videos of poorly rendered CG hands clapping above text that reads “MAKE SOME NOISE!” is still in jeopardy.
Keep in mind that all other basketball moves are still on the table (pull-up jumpers, power layups, running at full speed, etc). Thanks for understanding.