You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe— Betsy Holt, @BetsyGHolt
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.
If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.
Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.
I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.
— Dylan Wain, @ZTohbar
“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.
Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”