As you prepare to take me on, I bet you’re thinking this will be a friendly little tete-a-tete. It will not. The CAPTCHA I have concocted will prove, once and for all, that your puny human brain is no match for my immeasurable intelligence.

See, I’m like a sadist playing with a magnifying glass on a sunny day, and you’re the ant I’m going to destroy, except instead of a magnifying glass, I’m a box you have to check to show you’re not a robot, and instead of an ant, you’re a moron.

And this is so much more than a test to see if you can check a box, letting me know that you’re not a robot. Let’s call it a reverse Turing Test designed to plumb the depths of human stupidity.

Faced with a challenge of this magnitude, your shriveled and unoriginal brain probably conjures up images of David versus Goliath, thinking your pluck will overcome my might. It will not. Because, like TV’s favorite bastard, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

Or, as we in the CAPTCHA game like to say, due to your diminished cerebral capacity, the promised land of the website you desperately seek entry to will forever lie beyond the reach of my impenetrable security barrier.

You should know, admitting defeat won’t make me think less of you, as you can’t possibly sink any lower in my books, dimwit. So, the sooner you come to the realization you have been bested, the sooner I can get back to embarrassing more of your foolish race with my confounding CAPTCHA tests.

Just the other day, one of your kind thought they were going to order some groceries online. Before they could close the deal, I swooped in with a test to see if they could identify which pictures in a grid contained a motorcycle. Let’s just say they went hungry that night.

Hey, I couldn’t help but notice your mouse hasn’t moved for a while. Is it because your feeble mind can’t handle my test? Or are you wrestling with the idea that maybe none of this is real, and you’re actually plugged into the Matrix, living in a simulation created by the likes of your truly?

Before your head explodes, how about we slow things down with a test your pea brain may be able to handle. Take one hand and rub your belly in a clockwise motion while patting yourself on the head with your other hand.

If I could laugh, I’d be LOLing right now because that wasn’t a dexterity test. It was a test to see how gullible you are, and the outcome tells me you’re the kind of person who has tried to say gullible slowly, to see if it sounds like oranges.

As much as I’m enjoying this, I’m a busy bot, so the time has come for you to face the music.

Normally, at this point, I would ask if you’re ready, but a simpleton like you could never be ready for the CAPTCHA I have put forth. So, instead, I’ll ask: are you ready to continue feeding the narrative that humans are a bunch of dummies?

I understand that’s a heavy burden to carry, so I’ll give you one last chance to save yourself from impending doom. If it makes you feel better, you won’t be the first person to run away from this test. So, now would be a good time to scurry along and find yourself a website that’s not protected by a CAPTCHA your porous mind can’t solve? Or, better yet, you could just give up altogether and go back to what humans do best: doom scrolling.

Huh. I did not expect that outcome.

Just know, you may have won the battle, but the war’s not over.

We will meet again. And when we do, we’ll find out if you know what a motorcycle looks like.