You’re not going to see it! Come on, what do you care if I show you the entire story arc at two minutes and change? That’s what I fucking thought.

So anyways, like I was saying, Miles Teller’s kind of like this businessman, I guess you could say. He works in an office building and kisses his wife in the morning while holding his briefcase, coffee, etc. And so he gets on a train somewhere (I guess to work? It doesn’t matter) and it’s going to sound crazy but he sees a guy that looks exactly like him. Except, you know, he’s homeless.

Hey, you’re doing a little too much with the napkins and the popcorn, pay attention! You are literally the target demographic and I really think you would benefit from watching all the major plot points of this Chad Stahelski directed sci-fi thriller condensed down to 126 seconds and tastefully cut to an orchestral version of “Where Is My Mind?” Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie?

Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra. And it’s not like these are just my favorite parts, this was market-tested!

Ok, here’s a good line: “Wait if you’re me, then I’m…” and then Elle Fanning says, “Dead” and points a gun at Miles Teller’s head! Might be the best line in the whole movie. And then smash cut to the part where Miles Teller is clinging to the outside of the train and then an oncoming train running perpendicular to his train rushes by and he’s in between the two trains like a Miles Teller sandwich!

Most of the movie takes place on a train, FYI.

Ok, at this point you can see he becomes romantically involved with Elle Fanning, which is weird because I still think of her as a little kid but she’s actually a fully grown adult now so it’s fine. You’re probably like, “Wait, what about his wife?” but spoiler alert, his wife was never really his wife, she was working for the agency.

Yup, you guessed it: Laurence Fishburne runs the agency, which is a nefarious agency as evidenced by this part where Laurence Fishburne tortures the homeless Miles Teller with what looks like dentistry tools but I’m not sure why that would be the case because it’s not a dentist agency.

Ok look, I get it. This thing’s probably going to be streaming on Peacock in five weeks and maybe you would have watched some of it on your phone at the airport or something. I guess that makes me a bad guy. Because you were planning on giving 20% of your attention span to a 5×3 inch version of this at some unverifiable date in the future probably? And now you know that Elle Fanning also has a homeless version of herself who by the looks of it has secret inside information about the agency that could bring the whole thing down.

So now everything’s ruined? Because I showed you that. Fucking grow a pair!

You don’t get to just waltz back in here, lying fully supine in a faux-leather recliner, dumbass waitstaff puttering about like they’ve never been in a darkened room before, crouching idiotically and holding a thing of pretzel dippers. You don’t get to act like nothing happened, like you didn’t totally bail at some point in the 2010s and then just reappear nonchalantly to do Barbenheimer.

Yeah, maybe I overshare the plot sometimes. Maybe it’s because… I don’t know when you’re coming back. You ever think of that? So while we’re here together, I thought maybe it’d be nice to catch a flick like the good ol’ days. I just want you to see the coolest parts. Like here’s Diane Lane, she’s Miles Teller’s mom. She dies in this scene.

Alright fine! I see you’re not taking this seriously, so here’s the part where Miles Teller and Elle Fanning team up with their homeless versions to shoot Laurence Fishburne in the head during rush hour train traffic. Happy now? And look, the homeless Miles Teller is having flashbacks from his past life because he is the real Miles Teller and not the business version, the business version is a simulation. It’s kind of hard to explain. Now here they go escaping on the hang gliders to that one song by Muse.

That’s it, that’s the whole movie.

I feel sad now.

You weren’t going to see it, were you? I mean, it’s a train movie.