Who’s a good boy? Who’s a precious lil pup? Yes you are! Yes you are!

Hmm, oh, yes, Mark, hello. Sorry, I was just saying hi to your dog Pepper. Thank you for coming to see me. Yes, of course Pepper can stay, this won’t take long. Why don’t you take a seat? Actually, Mark, you sit there, and Pepper can sit on my lap.

Up, boy, up!

Yes, that’s better. Ooh, he likes the cuddles. He’s a cozy lil cuddle bug, huh? Yeah, I think you are!

What’s that? Oh, yes, why I called you into my office. Well, Mark, I’ll get right to it. Due to the recent merger, all the department heads have been ordered to reduce staff. I’ve tried to keep as much as my team intact as I can, but unfortunately, I’m going to have to let you go.

Oooh, does someone want a belly rub?

No, Mark, I was addressing Pepper. I can’t offer you a belly rub, but our HR rep can offer you career transition counseling if you’d like.

I hope you understand this was not an easy decision. You’re a talented, capable young man. Very bright. Clearly dedicated. And such fluffy lil ears too!

Oh, yes, sorry, that was directed at Pepper. No, not just the fluffy ears part, everything before that as well. If I’m being perfectly honest, Mark, you routinely failed to meet this role’s expectations. I suggest you take a page from Pepper here and bring some alertness and tenacity to your next job.

Awww, he yawned! Is someone getting sweepy?

This dismissal not only stems from your professional shortcomings. You’ve also routinely failed to maintain an adequate workstation. There appears to be hair all over your desk and if I’m not mistaken, a noticeable urine odor.

Oh Mark, blaming Pepper is really a classless move. At least have the fortitude to own up to your mistakes.

Now then, I should also inform you that your company-provided health insurance will be terminated by month’s end. You will be pleased to know that Pepper’s pet insurance, however, will remain active.

Yes, I know you didn’t sign him up for a pet insurance policy, I had to do that myself. No need to thank me, I just had accounting garnish your salary to cover the fees. Didn’t you notice that your paycheck was low? Hmm. You see what I mean about not being alert?

I know this is unfortunate news, Mark, but I hope you can maintain a professional attitude and not let this ruin Pepper’s birthday. I believe he’s turning four. Ooooh, you’re a big boy now, aren’t you?

What’s that? It’s your birthday as well, Mark? No kidding?

Well, I’ll let you clear out your desk. Please make sure to log out of your computer before you leave. You can drop off your ID badge at reception. That will be all.

What’s that? Oh, yes, your dog, of course. Tell you what, why don’t you just leave him with me for now? Look, he just fell asleep on my lap. I think it would be terribly inconsiderate to wake him, don’t you?

You can come back around 7:00 to pick him up, okay? Why so late? Well, someone is having a surprise party today after work. It’s nothing major, just a little something the staff and I threw together for Pepper’s special day. We’d invite you, but unfortunately it’s for employees only.