The invisible hand is one of the foundational concepts of free-market capitalism. First described by moral philosopher Adam Smith in 17-whatever as the passive force that guides individuals to act in the best interest of the larger group, this noble, translucent queen has been working her invisible ass off trying to get people to look out for each other since then.

But after 250 years, this diva needs a break. It’s time we apply her talents toward more immediate needs in modern society.

  • Painting the nails on your dominant hand
  • Helping bring all your groceries inside in one trip
  • Flickering the lights on and off while you tell ghost stories
  • Flipping a forceful, committed bird to your coworker Jessica whenever she microwaves her mushroom tilapia bullshit in the break room
  • Stepping in for handshakes with people who disclaim their damp, flaccid grasp with an “Oh, sorry, I was just in the bathroom!”
  • Feeding things and—although it flies in the face of centuries of conventional wisdom—occasionally getting bitten by them
  • Picking up shit—dog, cat, kid, bird, etc.
  • Holding your nose while in the presence of a foul odor, like shit, or Jessica and her cursed lunches
  • Excavating that booger that’s been lodged behind your septum since this morning
  • Entertaining your cat with that shoe string he’s so enchanted by
  • Providing a truly life-saving assist during those long, arduous hand jobs
  • Committing petty theft
  • Writing a cryptic ransom note with untraceable handwriting
  • Carrying out a gruesome, fingerprint-heavy murder (of Jessica, if she keeps it up with the office microwave atrocities)

Not recommended for shielding your eyes from the sun, shadow puppet shows, sign language, or butt stuff.