As the wealth gap between the rich and poor widens and society moves ever closer to some sort of dystopian neo-feudalism, we here at Chase Bank think our customers deserve a modern card that reflects these modern values. That is why we are introducing the Chase Fiefdom card. It replaces the Chase Freedom card you purchased through American Airlines in a regrettable moment of FOMO-induced panic as a particularly emotive flight attendant cooed “40,000 bonus miles” into the speaker system as everyone sweated on the tarmac. With this card, you will still enjoy the same tiers of service with our travel partners, but with updated levels of service to keep up with current trends in wealth disparity.

Firstly, what was formerly the “Sapphire” level and entitled you to one extra bag of peanuts on all American Airlines flights to the contiguous Tri-State area is now the Vassal level. You still accrue points at the same dollar per point ratio (double for gas!), but now all your points go directly into the annual bonus incentive payment of our CEO. Upon purchase of any luxury watercraft by the CEO, each Vassal level member will get a commemorative photo of the CEO next to his sumptuous schooner.

Replacing our Executive Diamond level is now Sovereign Liege Lord level. You get two free passes for you and a guest to be carried through the airport in a palanquin by up to four able-bodied men in livery of your choosing. Please note that attendant dromedary escort is only available in select regions. Additionally, you will be granted armorial devices befitting such status and will be bumped up to group “manticore rampant on a field sable” status in American Airlines’ new heraldry-based boarding groups.

For those who previously enjoyed our Managerial Platinum level status, you will now be granted Knight-Errant status. Your heraldry-based boarding group is now “cockatrice passant on a field argent,” just after active military members currently in uniform with hats on at a 45 degree angle. Additionally, you now have access to our banqueting halls (formerly Admirals Club lounges), where you can refresh yourself with unlimited jellied eels, sweetmeats, and quaffs of honeyed mead (brewed onsite near the jet fuel reserves!) before your flight.

Last, and certainly not least (unless you are flying private), is Margrave status: the highest tier for those still too poor to use anything but commercial airlines, but wealthy enough to want distance from the unwashed or merely insufficiently-washed masses. This entitles you to use of the aforementioned lounges, but also grants you access to the inner sub-lounge where you can be serenaded by a live lutist on Wednesdays and Saturdays and by a madrigal trio on Thursdays (exclusively in our Cleveland Hopkins Airport lounge). Do note that strict sumptuary laws are enforced in this lounge. At minimum, ladies must wear an escoffion with either couching or seed pearl embroidery and men a chaperon hat in silk or damask. Woven flax will not be accommodated. Doorways have been accordingly widened for ease of ingress and egress.

We hope you all enjoy these updates to our new Chase Fiefdom Card. We feel we have kept the same enhanced benefits of the old card while bringing it up to date with this current dumpster fire of an era by hearkening back to a time known mostly for ossified and grossly unjust societal classes, pestilence, and gruesome methods of torture. Do note that annual fees are subject to change based on current numbers of invading hordes and bastard sons needing to be set up in remunerative livings.