Dear Healthcare Customer:

We are sorry to tell you about a recent privacy event.

We’re especially sorry to use the word “event” here like it was an exclusive gala you were supposed to attend, but something happened and you never got the invite. The good news is you absolutely didn’t miss that kind of event.

The bad news is you were actually part of the event, or at least significant, personal information like your name, address, date of birth, Social Security number, health data, health insurance data, billing details, and the pet-centric password you use for most of your online accounts took part in it.

What happened?

On February 22nd, the same day our IT guy Judd called in sick, a state, foreign, or extraterrestrial actor snuck into our computer system without permission.

What we did

Our immediate response was to call Judd, explain the situation, and ask him to stop being sick. We also restarted all our computers, because that has worked some magic for us in the past.

Next, we hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who courageously spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”

We then hired competent help from overseas, recovered most of the files, and learned the cybercriminal was “Harry Doublecats,” which we assume is not their real name but haven’t looked into it further.

What this means for you

The data stolen was not the same for everyone. Some customers had only their own information taken. Others may have also had a spouse’s or child’s information compromised. Since we are not sure which category you fall into, we recommend assuming the worst and then trying not to think about it.

Please know we are making our computer system even stronger than before by telling you this and hoping you believe it.

We will now put you at even more ease by printing this sentence in bold:

We do not want this to happen again.

What you can do

No letter of apology and reassurance would be complete if we didn’t give you a job to do.

We recommend remaining vigilant.

Do the things you normally do like occasionally logging in and looking at things. If something looks off, wait a few days. If it still looks off, spend an hour trying to locate a way to contact us and don’t despair if we don’t get back to you within a very specific nineteen working days. If twenty days pass without an answer, simply resubmit your question and one of our data processing specialists will restart the response clock.

At this fraught time, we do NOT encourage you to read any news stories about this data breach and how jaw-droppingly inept our company has been throughout this ordeal as it will undoubtedly make you more upset.

As a gesture of good will, we would like to offer free credit monitoring. Unfortunately, due to the cost of this breach, we can only offer discounted credit monitoring at present.

Please find a digital code that may not work at the bottom of this letter.

Thank you for continuing to place your trust in us at this difficult time.

Securely Yours,

The Privacy Office