What’s up my fellow architects of wealth! Lots of you have been asking and I’m here to explain step by step how I created 22 streams of completely passive income. I built my portfolio with this one simple hack: taking an incriminating photo of every player on the Philadelphia Eagles’ starting lineup and gently reminding them that life is about making mutually beneficial choices.

Think of it like crowdfunding for your life. Every embarrassing secret, every weird hobby, every tiny indiscretion becomes a line item on your personal balance sheet. And let me tell you, the return on investment is astonishing. One photo of Jalen Hurts missing a three-foot putt on the practice green or Lane Johnson’s AOL screen name from 2007 can be enough to set you up for months.

Offensive tackle Jordan Mailata thought no one would ever find out about his secret cover band, Kn*Sync, a surreal collision of NSYNC’s chart-topping hits with avant-garde electronica act “The Knife.” Now I not only get hush money, but also a cut of the door, merch, and all CD sales. Say bye bye bye to 35% of those royalties. And that, my dividend disciples, is how you create a passive income stream within a passive income stream. Welcome to compound hustling.

By this point, word had spread. If they didn’t approach me first, I’d approach them. “Hey, how do you feel about me keeping the media from learning about your locker room shrine to your celebrity crush Betty White?” Write this down: referrals are key to revenue.

But wait, doesn’t 22 income streams take a lot of work to keep cash flowing? You might think. But by front loading the effort, they mostly run themselves. Now my only regular task is keeping the threats fresh. Need leverage? Try digging into the past. I’ve recently scaled to questionable middle school yearbook photos. And let me tell you, cornerback Cooper DeJean is definitely not paying me to keep quiet about his bowl cut.

With this one simple business model, I now have 22 streams of passive income flowing into my accounts. Thanks to these agreements between friends, I’ve been able to retire myself at 22 years old, free to enjoy my wealth without lifting a finger. Well, except to make the occasional phone call. “Hey, just checking in! Hope you’re enjoying that offseason. Oh, by the way, I still have those pictures of you from your Twilight phase.”

While some may build their passive income empire with rental properties, stocks, or digital courses, I’ve done it by helping professional athletes keep their secrets. It turns out, curated friendship management is where the real money is.

People will say it can’t be done. You look them dead in the eye, hand them an envelope filled with screenshots of their old MySpace page, and say, “Wanna bet?”