Stop! Whatever you were just doing, stop it. Haven’t you heard? We are having a sale like no other sale. This sale is so good, you’re gonna wanna get in on it as soon as possible.

Why the urgency you ask? Well because this sale isn’t going to last forever, that’s why the urgency. In fact, there’s only 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 24 seconds left of this sale. Look at the ticking banner at the top of this website if you don’t believe me.

Oh FUCK! Now there’s only 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 16 seconds left! Can’t you feel the gravity of this situation? Better get that CVV number quick!

What’s that? “We had an extremely similar sale last week that was also advertised as being for a limited time?” “We are using time scarcity tactics to pressure you into making a purchase fueled by fear of missing out?” “The current marked prices of this sale are actually about average when compared with our product’s price over the last year, but we’re trying to convince you that you stumbled upon a rare opportunity that you won’t be able to get again!?” Why are you yammering on and on when there’s NO TIME? We just passed the 12 hours, 52 minute mark!

To be honest, I have no idea how we are getting away with this sale. It’s simply too much savings for you, our favorite customer. I actually hope you don’t buy during the sale, we would just lose an unheard amount of money if you did. I mean this one product is on sale for $49.99 when the regular price is $650. IT’S TRUE!. Look at the $650 that’s been crossed out just above that beautifully affordable $49.99. That must be a mistake right? Man, I hope no-one buys it at that once in a generation price… 12HOURS52MINUTES18SECONDSLEFT!

Listen. you don’t seem convinced. And I don’t blame you. A lot of companies out there are just looking for a profit and don’t care at all about their customers who, quite frankly, are the heart and soul of a corporation. We’re not like those guys here, we have family values and you’re a part of this family.

So just for you, and don’t tell anyone about this, we’re gonna give you an extra 10% off the current sale. We just want you to know how much we care about and appreciate your choosing us. Of course these extra savings only kick in if you spend $50 or more (not including tax). It’s simple economics, you understand.

Oh dang it, it looks like there’s just the $49.99 item in your cart. UGH, so close! Might as well throw something else in there. Why don’t you just throw something else in there? Just go ahead and throw something else in there I’ll help, here’s a list of things to throw in there. Go ahead and click on some of those, I’ll wait. Don’t take too long though! You know, with the limited time sale and all…

12 hours, 51 minutes, and 33 seconds left.

Alright, you made it to check out! Congratulations, I knew you could do it. You’re amazing and exactly what this company is all about.

Looks like your subtotal is $74.98, wanna add anything else to that? No? You sure? You know that this is literally the greatest sale anyone has ever had, right? You know that, right? Still no? Alriiiiiiight. Pretty stupid if you ask me…

Anyway, shipping will be an additional $45. Yeah I know, it seems like a lot, but that’s just what it costs to ship stuff these days, we’re as mad as you are. Although, you know what… and I just thought of this now, if you can get that subtotal above $75, we’ll just get rid of that shipping cost all together. I mean I’m no mathematician, but that seems like an obvious choice to me! Hahahaha! Here’s some more of our products.

Good boy.

Quite the journey we’ve had, huh? And again, let me just thank you for trusting us. We are so humbled to earn your business.

Your subtotal is now $98.97 and shipping will be an incredible $0.00. WOW! See that? How’d you get away with that deal? Well played, well played, sir.

Anyway just make an account and we’ll send you on your way. Oh don’t worry about it, we just need basic stuff like your email address, phone number, address, driver’s license number, list of fears. Stuff like that.

Yeah I know you opted out of our newsletter, we still want the data. Just give us the data, ok? No, you can’t continue as a guest, just please give us the data and we can move on. “What are we going to do with it?” Oh my god why are you being weird, let’s just get it done, alright? C’mon. It’s not a big deal JUST GIVE THE FUCKING DATA! WE NEED IT!!

…We overreacted there a bit, and we apologize. The stress of this sale ending so soon has really been weighing on us and we took it out on you. That’s not how we want to treat our family.

To make it up to you, please accept this coupon code for 5% off your next purchase. It’s the absolute least we can do for you.

No, you can’t use it on this purchase, idiot. I said your NEXT purchase. Just press the place order button and let’s end this alright? There’s only 12 hours, 49 minutes, and 58 seconds left of this sale and I have to get to work on the timer banner for the next one.