Attention passengers: The captain has turned on the APPLAUSE sign. You may now use handheld noisemakers, including cowbells, kazoos, and those branded inflatable whack sticks.

Sir? Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to clap.

Yes, seriously. The signs were installed last week as a critical morale intervention. Studies show that displays of appreciation are essential to preventing flight crew burnout. Plus, this gives us an opportunity to scream and hit if we so desire. (And we do so desire.)

You can resume your nap shortly, sir, but right now, this crew needs your support. Spirits have been so low lately that if you don’t validate us, we very well may end up in a Tinker Bell situation.

I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve left me no choice.

Attention passengers: the PUBLIC SHAME sign has been illuminated. Please direct your withering glares and guttural boos toward the killjoy in aisle 3. Is there a catty tween or disappointed paternal figure on board who can help us humiliate this man?

Oh, I can assure you this is not a nightmare. If it were, you’d be in coach. Probably right next to the baby, who, by the way, is not going to stop screeching until you comply. The longer that baby cries, the more enemies you make. And do you really want to make enemies out of people who bring inflatable whack sticks on planes?

I didn’t think so. Now, if you simply put your hands together, everyone can go back to eating their rye chips and watching Crazy Rich Asians.

“Ridiculous?” I’ll show you ridiculous.

Attention passengers: We are 142 strangers and a sedated schnauzer hurtling through the atmosphere toward Toledo. Thousands of brilliant engineers made this aircraft possible; Hundreds of dedicated airport employees coordinated our safe departure; Two expertly trained pilots are guiding us through the sky; And three hospitable flight attendants stand ready to assist in an emergency, plus serve Bloody Marys and help people who think they’re stuck in the bathroom. This is an extraordinary experience, and some appreciation is in order. Tell me, passengers: Are you above celebrating the miracle of flight? Are you above a moment of cheer for the people who make it possible? Are you above throwing tomatoes at the jerk in aisle 3?

You bet we do. In fact, we keep a variety of throwable produce in the galley, including grapes and cantaloupes. They’re a hassle to clean up, though, so I’ll give you one last opportunity to–

Like you mean it…

Thank you.

And please be sure to observe our other new signage, such as: KEEP YOUR ELBOWS INSIDE THE ARMRESTS, GIVE YOUR IPAD KID HEADPHONES, and WE’VE JUST LANDED BUT NO NEED TO STAND UP IMMEDIATELY Y’ALL CHILL.