Eval Pharmaceuticals welcomes you to your new gallbladder. Whether you chose us or your HMO decided to use us without consulting you, we are excited to become a part of your body. Unlike the tedious and passive ordeal of using your liver bile naturally, we help you get continuous control of your gallbladder. Get ready to enjoy the driver’s seat of this digestion adventure.

You may have noticed your belly button is blinking blue. That’s an alert from the implanted fiber optic cable attached to your Eval Gallbladder to download our app and to pair your gallbladder. Your new Eval Gallbladder will not work without our app, Let Me Live Oh God I Want To Live, created by our app development partners, Late-Stage Capitalism Technologies. Once downloaded, pair it to your gallbladder using the 164-character unique serial number printed on the underside of your organ, which you obviously wrote down before implanting it.

Please be careful when pairing, as others nearby may be pairing their Eval organs. Our lawyers have advised us to share some user errors we have heard in lawsuit depositions.

For example, a former customer paired it as a Bluetooth speaker, resulting in their organ playing the Chicken Dance. Another former customer paired with a different former customer’s Eval Spleen setting the spleen temperature control to 42 degrees. Several former customers didn’t bring their phones to install the app, resulting in them opting out of continuing to exist.

Our gamified digestion design is the best way to maximize your gallbladder experience. Begin by playing the Battle For Survival game, where you match tiles to fight off waves of fat soldiers. Each time you fight off a wave of soldiers, you win Life Points that you can use for your artificial gallbladder to release actual bile to work on actual fat in your actual intestines. These points are essential for your Eval Gallbladder to function, for you to experience digestion, and for you to continue living.

Don’t worry about finding yourself with insufficient Life Points at meal time. We have an option to watch 38 minutes of commercials to get 2 minutes of free bile release. You can also join our premium plan to get bile on demand. Pricing on the premium model depends on your healthcare provider, health insurance, and a 21-sided die we roll. Pricing ranges typically between $5 and $38,986 a month.

Earn or buy Bile Bucks. With Bile Bucks, you can purchase new outfits for your gallbladder avatar. Get Bile Bucks for free by posting your dire and personal health issues or cute photos of your gallbladder avatar on social media. Don’t forget to tag us! #MarkOfEval

Your Eval Gallbladder also comes with GPS, blood monitoring, DNA testing, credit score monitoring, dating app swipe history, and all the other personal data we can gather. Thank you for agreeing to these terms and conditions written inside your Eval Gallbladder by having it installed. We will be as trustworthy and reliable in using your data as we are in controlling your body.

Thank you for using Eval Pharmaceuticals, and we look forward to controlling more of your organs in the future!