Does the money you make keep you from living the life you want? It shouldn’t. If other people can make rent, buy groceries, save some dough, and go out on the town 30 nights in a row, so can you. It doesn’t matter how you get your income (that’s between you and the money), you can live a life that’s as fun as it is frugal.

Rent

Ever heard of Diogenes? He was a Greek philosopher (low-paying job) who made the most with the least (nothing). He slept in a jug and only ate what was given to him. But that didn’t keep him from a life filled with public lewdness and yelling at strangers—he really knew how to party. Then he held his breath until he died. You can live just like him.

If your town doesn’t have a jug for you to call home, get a boyfriend. Boyfriends don’t pay attention. They don’t know what they have in their apartments. You should be able to live with one undetected for at least 30 days, especially with all the time you’ll be spending out of the house at night. Leaving you with more money to spend living it up when the sun goes down.

Groceries

There’s a secret to eating well on a tight budget. That secret is to not do it.

Savings

You’re already doing this. You are actively saving money every day—either by jugging it up or coupling down. Either way you’re not spending money on sleeping. Plus, you’re not eating, so you should be like 90% money at this point. You’re basically rich. And that’s good. That will come in handy for your big nights out.

Clothes

I forgot about clothes. Clothes are a huge part of going out. There are usually 30 nights in a month, so you need about 30 outfits. And you can’t wear your day clothes while you’re partying, so let’s call it 60.

But don’t spend all your paper money here. You need that for door charges and palm greasing.

Credit Cards

These are great for clothes. It shouldn’t cost too much to open a few of these up, at least not in the short term. If you’ve had trouble with cards in the past, go through your neighbors’ trash. Most mail will have a lot of the information you need, at least enough to get you started. You can fill in the blanks on your own.

If you’re worried about the ethical implications of this, think of how cool cowboy hats look and then think of how good you’d look in one.

Three cards should do the trick but it’s always safer to keep adding more. Don’t worry about having too many, you can always give them out as party favors at the end of the month.

Big Nights Out

The point of having money is to spend it. And that’s what you’re going to do. Your body is probably sore from the jug or your boyfriend’s apartment (no furniture). You deserve to cut loose. It’s time to see if fentanyl really is in everything and if it’s as fun as it sounds. You’re also probably pretty hungry from not eating. Don’t let that distract you from partying. There are ways around that.

Cigarettes

When you smoke, you’re not hungry. And when you have cigarettes, you can make friends. That’s why everyone smokes or is dying to try it.

Depending on where you live, these cost anywhere from five to nine dollars. Buying a full pack is definitely an option. This is well within your budget at this point (jug/boyfriend shelter + not eating + free clothes (credit cards) = cash on hand). But just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

Everyone has asked someone for a cigarette at some point. Smokers always oblige, but you can tell they’d rather keep that smoke for later. What they’re not used to, and what will make you interesting, is someone asking for the pack. Just the pack. No cigarettes. The novelty of this will probably delight the smoker. They get to keep their loose cigarettes and you get a cool cardboard box. Then you just have to ask twenty people for a single cigarette to refill your pack. That is going to make you very popular very quickly.

Hospital

So the cigarette box trick doesn’t work at biker bars. And so what if they didn’t care for your cowboy hat. It’s cool that yours lights up, not many do that.

You may be battered and bruised now with some tubes in your arms, but you learned something, and that’s more valuable than cash. Which is handy considering a couple of the bikers took some liberties with all the palm greasing money in your pockets (maybe they’ll consider that a tip).

But the good news is you have a place to stay for the next couple of weeks. Sure, hospital bills are expensive, but what they don’t realize is you don’t have any money. And they can’t send you a bill if you don’t live anywhere.

So, you’ve got a place to stay (you can’t get up), you’re saving cash (unbillable), you’ve got your meals covered (feeding tube), and you can party all night long (fentanyl drip, not bad afterall!). That’s one hell of a balanced budget.