Greetings energy user,

Each month we show you how much energy you used and charge you more money regardless. You may have heard the well-documented rumors that we are passing along the costs of AI data centers to our customers. While you may want to blame us at Allegiance Power Energy Communications Glow Corp for the exponential increases in service charges, AlPoEnComGloCo is here to reassure you that it’s all your fault that we are raising your service charges again.

You live in what AlPoEnComGloCo has deemed a “high-usage area,” meaning a house that uses electricity. This region happens to have multiple adjacent AI data centers guzzling what’s left of your local freshwater sources, which they are allowed to do because you are financing the exorbitant power usage through vague service charges.

Here’s a graph about how much power you used between 3:00 A.M. and 3:07 A.M. one night three and a half weeks ago. And while 4.2 kw/h may not seem worthy of a 3x charge increase, if you hadn’t left your phone charger plugged in, we wouldn’t have this excuse to charge you. Compared to your neighbor, that’s 0.1 kw/h more, so you must be doing something wrong.

Here are some helpful hints to better manage your power bill:

1. Winterize your windows

Put winterized plastic to cover drafty windows. The negligible energy you’ll save will be redundant from the hairdryer you used to seal the plastic.

2. Turn down your heat in the winter and AC in the summer

If humans were meant to be comfortable, they would evolve like the AI technology powered by our abundant data centers.

3. Choose Christmas lights carefully

You might as well put us in your will with all the holiday joy you’ll be paying back.

4. Ask ChatGPT what to do

Because then you’ll be using more power, which means we can charge you more money.

5. Switch to solar or wind power

This method will provide you with an alternate energy source until the gigantic new AI data center is built next to your home, eclipsing your sun and blocking your wind.

6. Unplug your refrigerator

Cold food is for winners.

7. Use candlelight

If your house burns down, you won’t have to pay for power until you buy a new house (exclusively serviced by AlPoEnComGloCo).

8. Donate your old batteries to Taylor Swift

She can dump them into the ocean while over-passing on her private jet, á la the 2004 Dave Matthews Band Tour Bus Chicago River Incident.

9. Vote

And let us know who you’re voting for, so we can tell our lobbyist before election day.

Thank you for being a satisfied AlPoEnComGloCo customer. We know you have no other choice and appreciate the money you’re forced to give us.

Remember, as part of the AlPoEnComGloCo family, we want you to believe it’s all your fault!