Bleu De Gex

From the Jura region of France, this strong, semi-soft cheese follows a 14th century recipe using unpasteurized milk from the cows of Montbéliard. Known for its blue veins, it is aged for three weeks with Penicillium roqueforti, and cannot be legally sold in the continental United States.

1978 Steyr AUG

Our suggested pairing. This chrome-plated German Army service rifle, adopted by the Austrian Army, can be quickly configured into a submachine gun. It was once banned in the U.S. by George H.W. Bush, but since 2008 has been manufactured on American soil. It has also been used in eight different wars.

Brie de Meaux

A delicate, pale yellowy cheese with a white rind tasted first by Charlemagne and named “king of cheeses” by the Prince of Talleyrand. The use of raw cow’s milk renders this hand-molded cheese illegal in America.

2013 Sig Sauer MCX

An agile firearm with a simple design, this clever cracheur de balle allows the attachment of sound suppressors, and, along with a Glock 17, was used to kill forty-nine people in Orlando in 2016.

Casu Marzu

Sardinian for “putrid,” this bold cheese contains live maggots, the swarm of which softens the cheese. It does pose a health risk, but has yet to kill thirty-eight people in a span of five minutes.

2013 Ruger SR-762

This piston-driven AR-15 variant has a gas impingement system that burns clean and cool. This indulgent tool is accurate, easy to use, and was one of about two dozen weapons found at the scene of the Route 91 Harvest Festival massacre in which sixty were killed and over 411 wounded. Our cellar is fully stocked.

Morbier

Recognizable for the distinct line of ash along its center separating the layers of curded cheese made from cows milked in the morning and evening. Well, not any more. Now they just make it from one batch of milk and use state-approved food dyes. Because see, things change, and you adapt your laws to the data you have.

1996 Century Arms WASR-10

A Romanian vintage licensed from the Russian AK and utilized by Mexican drug cartels. This gun has to be modified to comply with both an international agreement and a U.S. law that prohibits fully-automatic fire but still permits semi-automatic fire. Now see, without these mild regulations, even more people could have died in U.S. shootings from this particular gun, instead of just the mere thirty-nine.

Crottin de Chavignol

Named after the cattle droppings from which the cheese takes their size and shape, Crottin is made from goat milk in a small village of two hundred residents in the Loire Valley. As it ripens, the flavor grows stronger, the color darker. To date, it has killed zero people in the last century.

2016 Smith & Wesson M&P15 Sport II

A favorite of the Aurora, Colorado shooter who killed seventy people in a theater. At least 173 people in the U.S. have died from this type of weapon since 2007. Bon a petit.

Époisses

Smells disgusting. We can’t carry it here without being shut down.

2022 Daniel Defense DDM4 V7

A favorite in elementary schools. Would you like to take one to go?