Will Mr. J. Pringle touch his mustache in the Pringles commercial?

Yes (+225)
No (-310)

Will a kicker hit the upright or crossbar?

Yes (+330)
No (-500)

Will everyone agree that getting your hand stuck in the toilet is actually a really common occurrence that “could happen to anybody” and there really shouldn’t be this stigma about it?

Yes (-20,000)
No (+135)

Will the coin toss be heads or tails?

Heads (+100)
Tails (-100)

Will a linebacker catch a TD pass?

Yes (+700)
No (-2000)

Will a party guest at some point during the game get their hand stuck in the toilet resulting in paramedics needing to be called to pry that person’s hand out with a pry bar?

Yes (-500)
No (+1000)

Will everybody waste everyone’s time by incessantly asking “How’d you get your hand stuck in the toilet?” and “What were you even trying to do?” and then someone will have to keep responding “It’s fine. It’s no big deal. Just get some of the truffle butter from the charcuterie board to grease up my hand.”

Yes, even though it doesn’t matter how it happened, they should just help (-250)
No, there’s no time for questions, just help (+500)

Will someone suggest flushing the toilet to see if that’ll help but then the guest stuck in the toilet will start screaming and crying because they think the force of the suction might suck them off into the pipes like a scuba diver in a depressurized chamber?

Yes (-1250)
No (+40)

What color will the Gatorade shower be?

Orange (+200)
Blue (+150)
Purple (-100)

Will the toilet hand person be really bummed about missing the halftime show while they wait for the paramedics, so they keep yelling “Now what’s happening?” hoping someone at the party might at least describe what’s going on. Bonus question: Will anyone make up a plate for the person stuck in the toilet so they can at least munch on some hoagie dip and pulled pork while they wait?

Yes, and someone will bring food (-100)
No, and they’re practically friggin’ starving to death (+2,500)

Will a labrador or a King Charles spaniel score the winning “fluffdown” at the Puppy Bowl halftime show?

Labrador (+5,000)
KCS (-100)

Will the paramedics be cool and make an announcement to the party that they’ve actually been on a bunch of calls tonight for this exact same problem and it’s no laughing matter, or will they be dicks about it?

Will do a solid (+300)
Be huge dicks (-1,275)

Will someone’s shirt be drenched in toilet water but the homeowner will be weird about letting them borrow a dry shirt (even though it’s his toilet water!) so then they’ll have to spend the rest of the party wearing their quilted puffer jacket over their nude torso?

Yes (-500)
No (+175)

Will the game be decided by the winning team scoring with less than a minute of regulation? And if so, will all party guests be wary about someone’s request for a high five because they all just witnessed that person wrist-deep in the powder room toilet?

Everyone will quickly shove their hands in their pockets and pretend like they didn’t hear (-250)
Everyone will maybe not be so uptight (+1000)

Will the person with the toilet mishap be invited back to a Super Bowl party this year?

Yes (+10,000)
No (-480)