Dear Adventure Tour Guide Company:

Hello, my name is Kylie and I’m emailing about my lost Nalgene water bottle from last week’s Amalfi Coast Adventure Hiking Tour. It was red with REI and craft brewery stickers. I think the last person to see it was our tour guide, Henrik. Please respond with his phone number. Or Instagram works too.

I know you probably have dozens of tour guides, so I’ll describe him. Henrik is about 5”11′, mid-20s, lean muscular build, strong jawline, tan—almost olive skin—and eyes the color of the sea that we hiked along.

He said he was born in Germany but mostly grew up in Poland, which is crazy because now he’s guiding tours in Italy. He speaks German, Polish, Italian, and somehow better English than me. I speak a little Italian—benissimo!—and I plan to teach our kids—I mean my kids—to be bilingual.

One of the stickers on the Nalgene says “Patagonia,” with mountains in the background.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure Henrik picked up my water bottle after I fell for the fourth time and he used his powerful grip and brachioradialis muscles to help me stand. He smelled like a combination of the remnants of deodorant applied that morning and the sweat of a day’s worth of light to moderate effort, but not bad, you know? I can still smell it on my shirt, which I haven’t washed.

At one point we passed another tour and Henrik made a playful comment and gesture to their guide, Amy. She’s blonde and petite but also has slightly greasy hair and a crooked face. She giggled at his comment while trying to stay focused on her own group. So unprofessional. Is there any way she could be fired for that? Her last Instagram post was from a market in Spain, so maybe she already has been.

By the way, do all of the tour guides live together? The website shows a house with a red door on a cliff—It’s possible my Nalgene is there. But don’t check there. Check with Henrik first—or his girlfriend. Or maybe he doesn’t have one? He didn’t mention a girlfriend but he did say the word “partner” exactly once. I thought he meant hiking partner but my then-boyfriend—also on the tour—thought he meant his partner partner. This came up in our three-hour argument about Henrik after the hike.

My Nalgene was one of the screw top ones, not the sippy straw kind.

Henrik was a great guide. He had such an energy with the group—and also with me. I wouldn’t say there was a specific energy between me and Henrik but there wasn’t NOT one either, if that makes sense? I think it was Carl Sagan who said, “Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”

My ex-boyfriend (again, ex as in no longer any part of my life) left today, but I’m still in town for another week. Can I pick up the Nalgene at the Tour Guide Company office? Or Henrik’s office? Actually, if Amy’s spot is open, can I grab an application while I’m there?

I’ve attached my resume, which has my phone number if the hiring managers—or Henrik—need to reach me. Thanks!