My former best friend used to always say, “Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern.” Mom was filled with little nuggets of wisdom like that. Sadly, it was that very catchphrase of hers that led to her downfall.

When I saw you in the bathroom at around 10 am last Tuesday, I didn’t think anything of it. I assumed you had to relieve yourself after that never-ending seminar from HR, just like me. But when we happened to meet again at the urinals to “drain our lizards” at 1:14 PM, I sensed that something special was about to happen. Then, as if predestined by God himself, I walked into the bathroom at 3:45 PM and there you were: my new best friend.

Men’s bathroom code says I shouldn’t take the urinal directly next to yours, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to get a better look at you, to breathe you in. I didn’t know your name. I guess I could have taken a peek at your badge when we were peeing together, but I was too busy stealing glances at your penis.

When I saw you in the bathroom the next day, I wanted to introduce myself but couldn’t work up the courage to do it. That’s another men’s room code, you’re not supposed to say anything, except maybe, “Dropping anchor!” or “Jesus take the wheel!” or “Oh my GOD! What is this?! Tell my wife I love her!”

I eventually learned your name after breaking into the admin office. Ethan. “Hello, my best friend’s name is Ethan.” Doesn’t that sound nice? Did you know we have the same middle name? We have so much in common! We both wear glasses, our bodies both make pee, and we both know the most efficient route to your apartment.

It’s fate that we both work at the same place. I’m glad you don’t work in HR, by the way. I’m sick of those tyrants and their reprimands about how I’m not allowed to “sneak into the admin office to look at employee records” or “stare at people’s penises.”

When IT made us change our passwords, I knew exactly what mine would be: “EthanIsMy#1BestFriendAndHisBloodTypeIsAB+” I’ll never forget a password like that!

Your pee smelled different yesterday. A strong coffee odor. Maybe you had a late night and needed an extra cup of joe? I was up late too, fantasizing about all the road trips and pee breaks in our future. God, if only we could share the same urinal, how fun would that be? Two penises, one urinal, best friends forever.

How did you feel when they told us to come back to the office every day? I was ecstatic! Think of all the time we’ll get to spend together! More office days means more bathroom breaks with my best friend Ethan!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen you use the stalls. Do you hate pooping in public? I don’t mind. I’m always happy to drop an anchor or two during the workday. I’m in the stalls a lot actually. Sometimes I wait for you there, one eye peeking through the gap.

What’s that Ethan? You can see me watching you? Sorry, there’s just something about you. I can’t help it.

You… don’t mind me watching you? That’s great! Maybe we really are best friends.

Why yes Ethan, I’d love to hear your secret. I’m your best friend in the whole wide world after all. You can tell me anything!

You think I’m ready to join your group of enlightened souls? Well sure, best friends should have lots of activities to do together.

I’m not surprised that you’re the leader of your group. You’re so confident and charismatic.

You want me to give you all my money and pledge to follow you for 100 years? I don’t know Ethan, 100 years seems like a long time, and I’ve been saving up for a global tour of all the penis shaped monuments.

We’ll get to pee in the same urinal? Sign me up!