To: Last week’s 52,327 converts
From: Jesus, Lord and Master
Re: Abuse of our Personal Relationship

This memo refers to specific examples of egregious Personal Relationship abuse by some of our newcomers, and is not intended to replace The Father’s Manual, which most of you have not yet read despite it being required reading for all incoming flock members. (See Item 5.)

1. Unnecessary Demands on My Time

If you had read The Father’s Manual, you would know that by the terms of our Personal Relationship, I’m required to answer whenever you call my name. Thus, I’m summoned millions of times each day, and to be honest, it’s irritating when I hasten to your side only to find you’ve already forgotten you sent for me.

Verily, just yesterday morning, Sabrina summoned me to Blue Bottle. “Jesus!” she exclaimed. It sounded important so I flew over, only to find her reading the news on her phone while sipping her mocha and munching a scone. Did she need me? No. No more than the night before when she called me to her bedside, howling “Ooohhh, God!” when there was certainly nothing she required of me at that point, nor anything more, I should think, that she needed from Jason, the exhausted young man beside her. Please, next time you find my name ready to catapult off your tongue, which happens to many of you several times a day, just ask yourself, “Do I really need Jesus for this? Might he have something more urgent to attend to?”

For more guidance regarding abuse of my holy name, please: READ THE FATHER’S MANUAL (RTFM)

2. Failure to Heed My Counsel

After wasting precious minutes with Sabrina in the coffee shop, I rushed to the aide of her friend Jason, who while sprinting back and forth between his sofa and commode was muttering “Jesus Christ” under his breath every few seconds while exchanging frantic texts with his fiancé, Holly. I waited, but no specific request was made of me, just repeated calls for my presence.

Stuck there by nature of my job description, I endeavored to help anyway. But did Jason heed my whispered advice? No. Otherwise he would not have accidentally sent that “what have we done?” text along with the hangover emoji to Holly instead of to Sabrina, for whom it was intended. All day yesterday, Jason was pinging me every few minutes, asking me to damn his fiancé along with the coworker Sam who ordered that last pitcher of margaritas the previous evening, and even Sabrina. (See Item 1).

Not to keep picking on Sabrina and Jason, but they both ignored my counsel to skip the after-work happy hour at Tacolicious. This after they specifically asked for my opinion (Jason: “Christ, should I go?” and Sabrina: “Oh Lord, is this a bad idea?)

For detailed guidance regarding fornication outside of the marriage bed, please RTFM)

3. Excessive Requests for Damnation

My father excelled at this, but it isn’t in my nature to damn people—verily, my preference is to redeem them. And honestly, I can’t tell sometimes whether you’re making a serious request, venting, or just joking. Sometimes, you don’t even offer up a name: “Damn,” you’ll say, leaving the details to me. Even when you’re specific, I can’t always oblige.

During the unnecessary two minutes I spent with Sabrina at Blue Bottle, she asked me to damn an entire news network along with the President of the United States and his attorney. I ask you, Sabrina, how can I damn these folks and at the same time honor your Uncle Dan’s request to bless them? (For more information regarding the use of my name in conjunction with “damn,” RTFM.)

4. Disrespect for My Authority

Please cease addressing any correspondence to “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” My earthly parents barely check their messages, and anyway, Dad made me boss, not them.

And BTW, some of you have a disturbing habit of summoning Frigg, wife of the mythical god Odin, using a popular modern variation of her name. Do you think this minor goddess will rush to your aide, especially considering the harsh tone you often use to summon her? Do you have a Personal Relationship with Frigg? If so, you’re in flagrant violation of our contract. The rules regarding dalliances with heathen gods and goddess are made clear in The Father’s Manual.

Oh, I forgot—you haven’t read it yet.

5. Failure to Read the Father’s Manual

It’s quite the tome, I know. Blame that on loose editing by my father, who commissioned it in ancient times when brevity was not the hook that it is today. Still, there’s some good stuff in there that will enable you to troubleshoot without calling me away from more urgent matters, i.e. those outside of the First World Problems category.

Verily, our Personal Relationship is not only your ticket to Paradise but my sole reason for existence. So call on me whenever you must. I’ll fly to your side, as promised in the Manual you haven’t read yet. But out of respect for my hectic schedule, please use discretion. And for the sake of your souls and my patience, shut down your devices and RTFM.


Community: View our Submissions page for article and list guidelines.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.