Good evening, I see you sitting there watching The Muppet Christmas Carol for the thousandth time, looking a little too self-satisfied, so I wanted to clear something up.

I know you think I, the Ghost of Christmas Past, have never haunted you because you’re so nice.” But in reality, I’ve never haunted you because you’re incredibly, mind-numbingly boring.

If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.

Which Christmas would we even travel back to? The one where you didn’t get out of bed for five days because you bought a subscription to Hallmark+? The one where you poured nutmeg into your peppermint tea and then dumped it out because it was “too spicy?” The one where you made raisin brand cookies for Santa and then fed them to your cat?

I’m a literal ghost and I live better than you.

Sure, Scrooge may have made some mistakes, but he was a hustler. He worked all day and threw it back in the club all night. Not many people pick that up in the Dickens version, but it’s there if you read the subtext.

People enjoy watching A Christmas Carol because Scrooge lived a rich and interesting life. Sure, he was usually more focused on the rich part, but the point still stands.

You, on the other hand, spent five months embroidering a pillow that just says “Breathe” on it. Do you really need a pillow to remind you to BREATHE?

The last time you deviated from your daily routine was when you skipped bird-watching club because you “had birds at home.”

It’s not too late to turn things around. If you pick up a fascinating hobby or maybe meet a new friend or two, I could be back in twenty years to haunt you.

But for now, all three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, are going to continue to ghost you. Not because you’re pure or good, but because the mundanity of your day-to-day makes us all want to die (again).

Good bye for now, I’ll see myself out. I hope you fa-la-la-la-find a life.