I’m using it as a paperweight.

I got sidetracked into reading a biography of the book’s author instead.

The guy I just matched with on Bumble said it’s one of his favorite books, so I can’t return it now in case things keep going well with him.

The guy I just went out with on Hinge who was a total jerk said it’s his least favorite book, so I can’t return it now out of spite.

I saw a TikTok that called the book’s premise into question so I didn’t read it yet, but I’m also not positive that I don’t want to read it, and I kind of want to engage in the discourse about it anyway, so it didn’t make sense to return it yet.

I can no longer sleep without resting it on my forehead to soothe me to slumber, like a very hard and smooth weighted blanket.

I’m afraid I’ll forget that I really wanted to read this book if I don’t have it staring me down every night on my bedside table. I need its striking indigo spine and gothic print title and sultry yet intellectual author photo on the back to burn into my corneas on a nightly basis or else I will literally not remember that I want to read this book, even though I’m actually reading People magazine at this particular moment. Again.

I was about to return it but then I heard it got optioned for a series on Apple TV so it’ll be a really long wait to get it from the library again so I can read it and have strong opinions about how the book was better.

I need something to carry prominently into book club before someone opens the second bottle of wine. Bonus: If Laurel from yoga starts opining about the time Jonathan Safran Foer hit on her at a hipster bar in Brooklyn, I can throw it at her head.

Filled with shame about how long it’s been overdue, I can’t fathom walking into the library to return it. I picture all of the librarians and patrons standing up and shouting “Shame!” at me, Game of Thrones style. Most upsetting, a little girl in the children’s reading corner gives me a double thumbs down.

I’m part of a secret society that believes holding on to a library book for as long as possible will unlock a portal to an alternate universe where Kamala is president, climate change is actively combated, and adding avocado is free.

I’m definitely going to start reading it tomorrow.