Our company is searching for dynamic and charismatic candidates for the position of Workplace Crush. This is a full-time position with flexible hours and a hybrid work model (in person and in our dreams).

We are an innovative industry leader that thrives on teamwork, dedication, and low-key sexual energy. The role of the Workplace Crush is to implement a comprehensive strategy to advance and elevate organizational success by being a positive, solutions-oriented team member with eyes you could dive into. The Workplace Crush drives the company’s strategic directives and the boys in the break room crazy.

The Workplace Crush may also identify key partnerships with stakeholders outside the organization to facilitate customer loyalty.

The Workplace Crush will perform the following tasks:

  • Be friendly but in a way that could be interpreted as possibly more than friendly
  • Inquire about co-worker(s) personal life with interest, whether feigned or actual
  • Indulge enough personal information to create a falsely interpreted sense of emotional intimacy
  • Dress professionally but stylishly, including that one outfit—you know the one
  • Develop a series of in-jokes with co-worker(s)
  • Call co-workers “sweet” and “darling” but in an ambiguous way so that co-worker(s) cannot be sure whether it’s meant in a “special way” just for them
  • Make casual physical contact in the break room that probably definitely means something
  • Maintain a regular schedule so that co-worker(s) know when you are in the break room
  • Offer enthusiastic greetings, because God knows that’s sometimes all it takes to get us out of bed in the morning
  • Show up at Christmas parties wearing that other outfit and dancing with co-worker(s) for two songs before disappearing while they get another drink for you, convinced that tonight is the night
  • Any other tasks assigned as a blatant excuse to drop by and discuss

The ideal candidate will be attractive but in a non-threatening way, preferably just out of co-worker(s)’ league, thereby limiting the likelihood of actually following through on this attraction and disrupting the workplace and possibly marriages.

The Workplace Crush strikes a balance between professionalism and emotional availability that could probably lead to something if conditions were a little different.

Skills: Proficiency in discreet flirting and Microsoft Word; ability to tolerate mild objectification an asset

Qualifications: Degree in undeniable chemistry

This position offers a competitive compensation package, medical insurance and a constant boost to the ego, as if someone like you needs that, you must be so used to the attention. May require occasional after-hours work preoccupying our thoughts.

If you have the ability to give off ambiguous signals and serve as fodder for chaste and chaste-adjacent fantasies, we would love to hear from you. We would love to have your number. Maybe we can get together for drinks sometimes. As colleagues, of course! Ha-ha! Can you imagine?

Send your application, CV, and 8×10 glossy to our HR Department, whose contact you should probably keep handy, all things considered. All applications are welcomed, but only finalists will be stared at longingly.