“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. ”
— Mark Wahlberg, about 9/11

Noah’s Ark

No disrespect but the boat? It’s level. No wobbling.

The Trojan War

If I’d been guarding that gate? “Hey guys, maybe we don’t trust a giant sculpture gifted by our enemies.” No way that horse gets in.

The Sinking of Atlantis

I just say “PADDLE!” Everyone paddles. City keeps floating.

The Burning of the Library of Alexandria

I see one spark and I’m like, “Absolutely not.” They offer me “no late fees,” and I turn it down. I don’t want special treatment.

The Assassination of Julius Caesar

I wouldn’t fight the entire Senate. I’m just saying they’d rethink it once they saw me in a “Municipal” sleeveless tee. Caesar gets to finish his salad.

The First Olympic Event

They invite me? I sweep every event. They rename it The Wahlympics. They retire the torch.

Martin Luther Nailing His 95 Theses

I tell Marty, “Hey, pal—that’s Christ’s house, and it doesn’t need renovating. Pack it up.”

The Irish Potato Famine

It’s 4 A.M. I show up with 200 pounds of potatoes, problem handled. Let’s do tricep dips.

The Lincoln Assassination

Booth comes through that door and I take off my Mary Todd disguise and put him on the floor. Abe leads the curtain call.

The Titanic Sinking

I see something up ahead, I say, “Hey, turn left.” Everybody claps, Leo does Boogie Nights, I’m still the same guy.

The Hindenburg Disaster

If I was on that blimp, I see the leak immediately. “Yo, tighten that valve.” No explosion. People get off. Et cetera.

The Cuban Missile Crisis

I land in Havana, I pour some Flecha Azul, Cold War ends that night.

The Zodiac Cypher

I’m a Sudoku guy. I give it a once over, cypher solved.

The Chernobyl Disaster

Same speech every time: “Hey, guys, that dial? Don’t turn it.” Meltdown averted.

The Berlin Wall

I would’ve just talked to everybody. “Hey, was können wir gegen diese Sache tun? Lass es uns beseitigen, ja?” And they’d go, “Yeah, Mark, that makes sense.” Low carb wiener schnitzels for everyone.