I’ve Got Good News and Bad News
The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news. The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.
Comedy Writing
Indisputable Facts About Penguins
Penguins are from Antarctica, the Galápagos Islands, New Zealand, and South Africa but live in captivity in places like Detroit.
Biblical Figures Stub Their Toe
Cain: Cain is in pain! Abel: I'm un-Abel to walk comfortably!
I Don’t Feel like the Dawn Dish Soap We Fed Those Ducks Covered in Oil Really Did Anything Helpful
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
What I Said in the Handshake Line After the Hockey Game Where I Told the Media We’d Win, Sang a Taunting Rendition of the National Anthem, Talked Way Too Much Trash, and Lost Fifteen to Zero
Good game, I didn’t mean what I said when I said, “We’re gonna kill this sorry ass team!”
No, I Didn’t Name My Child Michael Jordackson So He’d Aspire for Greatness as an NBA Player or World-Renowned Musician
I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
Signs That the Person You’re Talking to Might Be from New York
Congratulations on your new baby! You know what else is new? New York City, where I work and live.
The Yard Work Will Have to Wait Until I Recover from This Nasty Case of Havana Syndrome
I think I can muster up just enough strength to go put the gardening tools away but that’s about it. Just give me a second while I try to stand up.
I McThink There Was McSomething in That McChicken
Oh McNo. I’m not McFeeling so McWell. My McVision is all McBlurred and I have a McPain in my McAbdomen.
An Open Letter to People Who Hold Up Their Middle Finger in Instagram Photos
Did something happen between us? Did I wrong you? And if so, why bring that energy into your vacation photos?
Sir, I Am Not Pleasuring Myself to the Pin-up Girls Painted on the Side of the Warplanes, Sir
WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES, PRIVATE?
Parallel Universes Where a Football Coach Wins the Game and the Team Dumps Gatorade on Him
If the football coach's team loses the game they dump acid on him.