The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news. The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.
Penguins are from Antarctica, the Galápagos Islands, New Zealand, and South Africa but live in captivity in places like Detroit.
Cain: Cain is in pain! Abel: I'm un-Abel to walk comfortably!
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
What I Said in the Handshake Line After the Hockey Game Where I Told the Media We’d Win, Sang a Taunting Rendition of the National Anthem, Talked Way Too Much Trash, and Lost Fifteen to Zero
Good game, I didn’t mean what I said when I said, “We’re gonna kill this sorry ass team!”
No, I Didn’t Name My Child Michael Jordackson So He’d Aspire for Greatness as an NBA Player or World-Renowned Musician
I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
Congratulations on your new baby! You know what else is new? New York City, where I work and live.
I think I can muster up just enough strength to go put the gardening tools away but that’s about it. Just give me a second while I try to stand up.
Oh McNo. I’m not McFeeling so McWell. My McVision is all McBlurred and I have a McPain in my McAbdomen.
Did something happen between us? Did I wrong you? And if so, why bring that energy into your vacation photos?
WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES, PRIVATE?
If the football coach's team loses the game they dump acid on him.