Ominous Bumper Stickers
If You’re Reading This, You’re Paying More Attention To The Road Than I Am
Comedy Writing
My Dog Ate My Homework and Then Did Ayahuasca
And, so, I looked over my notes from your lesson and I figured it out. Boom. Just like that. Did it. Done. I proofread it, named it, kissed it, and then my dog ate it.
Be Careful! Can’t Run Before You Walk. Can’t Walk Before You Crawl. Can’t Crawl Before You Roll. Can’t Roll Before You Slide.
And you can’t crawl before you roll. And you can’t roll before you slide. And you can’t slide before you contemplate sliding.
Longest Sentences Produced by a Monkey I Borrowed Money From but Never Paid Back
Money? Money? Money? Excuse me. Money? Money? Money? You. Give. Now. Money. Me.
Zapruder’s Filmography
Zapruder Thesis Film (1928): Zapruder receives D minus. Teacher calls it the biggest disaster he’s ever seen captured on film.
Man, I’ve Been Killing It (My Will to Live)!
I’ve been going in there (dark places in my mind) and destroying it (crying)! I take no prisoners (except myself)!
Easy “Would You Rather…” Questions to Ponder
Would you rather be sentenced to death for something you didn’t do or have a rock in your shoe?
I’ve Got Good News and Bad News
The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news. The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.
Indisputable Facts About Penguins
Penguins are from Antarctica, the Galápagos Islands, New Zealand, and South Africa but live in captivity in places like Detroit.
Biblical Figures Stub Their Toe
Cain: Cain is in pain! Abel: I'm un-Abel to walk comfortably!
I Don’t Feel like the Dawn Dish Soap We Fed Those Ducks Covered in Oil Really Did Anything Helpful
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
What I Said in the Handshake Line After the Hockey Game Where I Told the Media We’d Win, Sang a Taunting Rendition of the National Anthem, Talked Way Too Much Trash, and Lost Fifteen to Zero
Good game, I didn’t mean what I said when I said, “We’re gonna kill this sorry ass team!”