Suggestions from the Suggestion Box at My Teppanyaki Restaurant Where I Make All the Food with My Bare Hands
Posting signage around the restaurant that says, “We Pinky Promise We Washed Our Hands Before Returning To Work,” is not comforting.
Comedy Writing
Now That I’ve Power Washed My Proposal to You, I Guess I Can’t Finish Power Washing the Rest of the Driveway
I’ll go put the power washer back in the garage. No more power washing today.
SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO
LISTEN BRO. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME WHEN YOU’RE FEELING THIS WAY BRO.
FAQ About the Hell Button I Had Installed in the Elevator
Q. Should I worry about the fact that people keep disappearing after using the elevator? A. I wouldn't.
Broadcast of a Baseball Game Between Dads Checking on a Sound in the Middle of the Night with Baseball Bats and Louisville Slugger Factory Workers Who Test Bats for Quality Assurance
The dads effectively hit everything except the ball causing a lot of property damage while the factory workers could not settle on a bat.
Breaking the News to My 85-Year-Old Grandpa That He Missed Halley’s Comet and It Won’t Be Back until 2061
Tonight is definitely the most important celestial event of the century. Not months ago on April 8th and 9th. Nope. It’s tonight. November 27th, 1986.
The Scientific Order of All Things That Has Not at All Been Affected by My Recent Oil Change
Dust Jiffy Lube Employees Who “Fill Up” Your Wiper Fluid With An Empty Bottle And Charge You $15 Extra Without Asking If You Even Wanted It
Beekeeper Suit or Fencing Uniform?
It smells a little sweaty but it’s cheaper to rent and deal with mysterious odors than buy your own at full price.
The Total Amount of Money in Each of Our Swear Jars Since 147 Chilean Rose Hair Tarantulas Invaded Our Home
Dining Room Swear Jar: $1 Dark Corner Of The Attic Swear Jar: $57 Home Office Swear Jar: $0
20 More Eerie Coincidences Between Lincoln and JFK’s Assassinations
Both times people were upset about it. / Both assassins used firearms as a method of assassinating. / Thus, both assassinations were really loud.
How to Parallel Park a Limousine in a Security Laser Maze
An excerpt from Section 38.28.1 of the Limo Driver's Handbook about how to deal with a bachelorette that turns into a jewel heist.
Scooby Doo’s Best Man Speech at Shaggy’s Wedding
Raggy rand I go way, way back. Trust me, rin dog years it’s reven ronger. Reven times ronger. Reah.