LIEUTENANT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE AIRFIELD AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, I WAS ON PATROL DUTY AND STOPPED MOMENTARILY TO ADMIRE THE WARPLANES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: WHY ARE YOU ADMIRING THE WARPLANES FROM THE SIDE WHERE THEY PAINTED THE PIN-UP GIRLS, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, I BELIEVE THIS SIDE ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER PARTS OF THE WARPLANE ARE WORTHY OF EQUAL ADMIRATION WHEN THEY WORK TOGETHER TO CREATE THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: DON’T YOU KNOW THE ENGINE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE AIRCRAFT, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, THE ENGINE IS VERY IMPORTANT BUT WHAT IS AN ENGINE WITHOUT WINGS AND WHAT ARE WINGS WITHOUT A FUSELAGE LIKE THE ONE I’VE STOPPED HERE TO RUN MY FINGERS ACROSS, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE PERFECTLY COMMONPLACE BEHAVIOR TO ME, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: YOU JUST ANSWER ME ONE QUESTION, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, I FELT A BEE CRAWLING UP MY LEG AND REMOVED MY PANTS ALLOWING IT TO ESCAPE BEFORE IT COULD STING ME, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE AFRAID OF A BEE STING, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, IT WASN’T SO MUCH THAT I WAS AFRAID OF IT STINGING ME, I WAS TRYING TO AVOID THE STINGING BECAUSE IT WOULD CLAIM THE LIFE OF THE BEE AND I AM A LOVER OF ALL INSECTS PLANTS AND ANIMALS, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: IN THAT CASE, I UNDERSTAND YOUR DESIRE TO PROTECT THIS PLANET, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: AND CONTINUE AT ALL COSTS TO NURTURE THE PLANT AND ANIMAL LIFE AROUND YOU FOR EARTH IS OUR ONLY HOME AND MOTHER NATURE ITS GREATEST GIFT, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, I WILL, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT, EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I RECEIVED REPORTS OF LOUD MOANING COMING FROM THIS AREA, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, I GOT CARRIED AWAY BY THE P-51 MUSTANG’S ROLLS ROYCE PACKARD BUILT V-1650-7 MERLIN 12-CYLINDER ENGINE WITH ITS 1490 HORSEPOWER, A MAXIMUM SPEED OF 500 MILES PER HOUR, AND SIX .50 CALIBER MACHINE GUNS—TWO WITH 270 ROUNDS PER GUN, FOUR WITH 400 ROUNDS PER GUN—ALONG WITH ITS 37-FOOT WINGSPAN, 13-FOOT HEIGHT, AND 32-FOOT LENGTH THAT MAKE UP 12,300 POUNDS OF PURE AMERICAN MUSCLE, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: WELL THAT SOUNDS TOTALLY WITHIN THE CONFINES OF SOCIALLY ACCEPTED ACTIVITY, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: AND I’D LIKE TO COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR METICULOUS RESEARCH AND DEEP APPRECIATION OF THE AIRCRAFT, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, THANK YOU, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: AND I’LL LET YOU CONTINUE YOUR PATROL IF YOU TELL ME WHY YOU ARE HOLDING THAT BOTTLE OF LOTION AND TOWEL, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, I WAS USING THIS TOWEL TO WIPE OFF THE FINGERPRINTS I’D MADE ON THE AIRCRAFT THAT MIGHT LEAVE UNFLATTERING SMUDGES VISIBLE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT DURING MORNING INSPECTION TOMORROW, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: AND THE LOTION, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, THE LOTION IS HERE TO RESTORE MY FINGER OIL AFTER MUCH OF IT IS TRANSFERRED ONTO THE MACHINERY IN THE ACT OF CARESSING THE AIRPLANES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: PRIVATE, YOU’RE TELLING ME WHILE YOU WERE ADMIRING OUR ARSENAL YOU BROUGHT ALONG A TOWEL TO PRESERVE THE AESTHETIC INTEGRITY OF THE PLANE AND A LOTION BOTTLE TO MAINTAIN A BALANCED AMOUNT OF OIL ON YOUR FINGER AND WHILE MOANING LOUDLY FROM THE PURE ECSTASY THIS ACTIVITY GAVE YOU, YOU NOTICED A BEE CRAWLING IN YOUR PANTS SO YOU REMOVED THEM AND THIS ALL OCCURRED SPECIFICALLY IN THE AREA CONTAINING THE ONLY AROUSING DEPICTIONS OF FEMALE SPECIMENS ON THIS ENTIRE AIR-BASE FULL OF MEN AND ONLY MEN, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: ARE YOU LYING TO ME, PRIVATE?

PRIVATE: SIR, NO, SIR.

LIEUTENANT: WELL THEN, PRIVATE, TO REWARD YOU FOR YOUR UNFLINCHING HONESTY AND OUTSTANDING ATTENTION TO DETAIL, I NEED YOU TO DROP YOUR PANTS AND USE THAT LOTION TO PLEASURE YOURSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRL ON THE SIDE OF THIS PLANE FROM NOW UNTIL ZERO FOUR HUNDRED HOURS SO LONG AS YOU CLEAN UP AFTERWARD WITH THAT TOWEL AND KEEP YOUR MOANING TO A MINIMUM, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE: SIR, ARE YOU SURE, SIR?

LIEUTENANT: THAT’S AN ORDER, PRIVATE!

PRIVATE: SIR, YES, SIR.


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