This is my best prank idea yet. The looks on my family members' faces are going to be priceless when they drive up to the house, walk to the front door past the row of bagged leaves, and I jump out of the last bag! Muhahaha!

They’ll least expect it today of all days because it’s yard waste collection day and everyone avoids looking at the eyesore on your front lawn until your bagged refuse is finally taken away. They’ll never see it coming!

I hope the neighbors are fine with me taking some of the pulled weeds and pine cones and grass clippings out of this bag I’m hiding in and putting it on their side of the property line. If I kept it in our yard, my family might know I’m up to something and the prank would be ruined. I’m sure when they see the tape from the camera I have set up they’ll forgive everything.

They’ll see that temporarily borrowing our yard waste is going toward a very worthy cause. Maybe next time they can play an even bigger role in the planning phase.

Yes, the stage is set for a prank for the ages. There’s only one problem. I always empty my bladder before a big prank because the sensation of needing to urinate builds within me as tension rises, faltering my performance. This time, however, I may have left a little too much in the tank.

Add that on top of my barely controllable excitement and I can’t help but shake my leg up and down which is making a lot of noise in this crinkly paper bag. They’ll be here any minute and it’s going to blow my cover.

I remember running into a similar issue during a community theater production of Beckett’s Endgame. The sound department was having trouble with a paper bag making too much noise and drowning out dialogue. That’s when our prop master had the idea of wetting down the bag with a spray bottle full of water.

Wait a second, I’ve got it! Maybe if I urinate all over the inside of the bag, my family won’t hear the crinkling!

I’d like to say I’ve decided to go this route after thinking it over for a while but I started urinating about midway through that story.

Ah, that’s a relief. And the crinkling has stopped! Now my hiding place will be totally discreet and the wet spot will hopefully go unnoticed. Not much I can do about that.

Just in time, I think I hear them coming now! Wow, the car sounds a lot louder than normal. And since when did we get air brakes? They must be in some kind’ve a rush, they’re not even turning the car off.

I didn’t know my family took up Portuguese. And with such authentic accents. Good for them.

All right, I can hear them getting closer. I put six dry leaves on the path leading up to me so I could time my surprise just right. Once they step on the sixth leaf, I’ll jump out and they’ll all run in fear. Any second now and I’ll have successfully pulled off the greatest prank they’ve ever fallen victim to! Ha!

There’s one, two, and three. Almost there! And there’s four, five…! Five…? Where’d they go?

Oh no! They’re picking me up and throwing me into the back of the car with the other bags! Where are they taking me? And, more importantly, how will I film the prank now? What a disaster!

According to the GPS on my phone, they’re taking me to the local waste disposal center. Thank god. Their facility has tons of security cameras from all the body dumping that’s been happening. And while I might not get the angle I hoped for, at least the prank won’t go completely undocumented.

By the sound and smell of it, they’re loading up bags from the whole neighborhood. It’s a nice gesture and all but it’s getting kind’ve hard to breathe in here. Not much space to move around either. I’m concerned that sitting all cramped up like this for an extended period of time without oxygen is really going to throw me off for when I have to spring into action. Also, the smell of my pee—which was more helpful as a noise-canceling agent—is very strong.

Okay now they’re condensing the load with some sort’ve robotic element that’s crushing down the bags. They’ve really gone the extra mile outfitting our sedan with a bunch of garbage truck mechanisms. I don’t know, if I were a guessing man I’d guess I was in the back of an actual garbage truck.

Or that’s what they want me to think! Yes, they saw my prank coming and now they’re getting me back with a counter-prank. Well, guess what, I’m not falling for it.

Nope! Go ahead and cut the air off to my extremities and brain however much you please. That’s it, crush my skeleton down into a fine powder all you want. And finish me off by tossing my tattered remains into a landfill already because a shocked reaction means I didn’t see it coming and I saw this coming so the prank didn’t work.

Sure, I won’t be able to revel in the glory of my original prank as planned but the startling discovery of my destroyed corpse is sure going to scare the hell out of them!


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