Larry took long walks where he bore a smug, knowing smile as he passed this editor’s house and looked upon the decrepit, unkempt lawn.
Get a jump on fall by stripping the leaves off trees in August. Dry your car in nanoseconds. Demolish political lawn signs from hundreds of yards away.
Ope, watch your head there. Cam likes to go in feet-first, but I prefer lying on my side and sliding in with my hands like a walrus.
Recite a mantra of personal affirmation loudly so that if someone were in the linen closet, they could hear you, but they’re not, so don’t worry.
My Family Is Going to Be So Surprised When I Jump Out of This Paper Refuse Bag Today, Yard Waste Collection Day
If I were a guessing man, I'd guess I was in the back of an actual garbage truck.
- Pulling on a hoodie and sneaking over to my neighbors’ garage. - Groping around in the dark where they stack their old paint cans.
My extensive preventative measures haven't stopped them from sneaking into my bed while I’m trying to eat my cheese and crackers in peace.
All you have to do is have one true hiding place. Find the truest hiding place you know.
At 8 PM on Thursday, my basketball hoop is going to look brand-spanking new. I don’t have to care about your family or your kids.
I Am the Sticky Brown Kitchen Cabinets and All the Other Bad Choices Landlords Make with Their Rental Properties
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues.
I used to have 30-45 people in me at once and not a bit of noise bothered the neighbors. Hey! That’s another thing: I’m very noise-proof!
I Promise to Do Something That Scares Me Every Day as Long as Minor Accommodations Are Made for My Safety and Well-Being
I will eat at a restaurant alone, as long as I can tell a friend to show up ten minutes after I’m seated and join me.