- Polishing off the bottle of scotch I swiped from the Halloween party at work
- Pulling on a hoodie and sneaking over to my neighbors’ garage.
- Groping around in the dark, far corner where they stack their old paint cans.
- Jabbing the tip of a screwdriver into the palm of my left hand in the process of prying a lid off.
- Knocking over a glass jar trying to find their damn paintbrushes.
- Sneaking around to the front of the house, where they plant their sanctimonious yard signs.
- Dipping my index finger into a can of white latex to write “Even vandals?” on the placard that says “All Are Welcome Here.”
- Crouching in the shadows next to the car parked in front of their house.
- Painting a bunch of big loopy peace signs and hearts all along the passenger side.
- Swearing out loud when I recognized it was my car, parked in front of their house to make a point about their guests always taking my spot.
- Trying to wipe the paint off with clumps of leaves and my left sleeve, but just smearing it around into annoying cloud formations.
- Leaving a trail of drips and footprints to my back porch.
- Shedding my paint-splattered pants and hoodie on the kitchen floor.
- Banging the scotch bottle against my front tooth trying to see if there was any left.
- Answering the front doorbell in a tee-shirt and boxers.
- Asking the sheriff’s deputy if he had a warrant.
- Going back inside to put my clothes back on.
- Insisting “You have no proof” while wagging my white-tipped finger in his face.
- Demanding from the back seat of the patrol car “Since when is Halloween mischief against the law?”
- Following up with “Well it’s Halloween somewhere, bitches!”
- Shivering in the overnight holding cell, wishing the cops hadn’t taken my pants and hoodie as so-called evidence.
- Cursing the invention of Daylight Savings Time. That extra hour is way too tempting.