I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup with Harper. Being asked to get married or split up after only eleven years of dating is devastating. I know you need to get out of there, so Cam and I want you to move in with us. We just encapsulated our crawlspace, and it’s perfect. The city’s occupancy codes are alarmingly loose.

Wait! Hear me out. You were just in awe of how Brooklynesque this neighborhood is now. Let me show you around, ok? Look, we turned the tiny door into an actual Tiny Door! It’s on Instagram. See that cute little window curtain? I upcycled it out of one of Cam’s old band t-shirts and now we sell them on Etsy.

After you! Ope, watch your head there. Cam likes to go in feet-first, but I prefer lying on my side and sliding in with my hands like a walrus.

Don’t you love the aesthetic in here? Pure white polyethylene: minimalist heaven. This is some Soto Zen shit. It looks like Kanye West’s house. That sound you’re hearing is the industrial dehumidifier, but think of it as a giant white noise machine. We enjoy it from the other side of the floor! Feel that vibration? It’s therapeutic. It’s a harmonic frequency of 528 Hertz, the solar plexus chakra. Trust me, you’re gonna have the best bowel movements in Fulton County.

The wifi under the house is really strong. Cam got trapped down here checking for a possum, and he streamed a whole episode of Killing Eve on his phone once he stopped crying. What? No, I couldn’t hear him. I was in a reiki session on Zoom.

You can’t let the low clearance bother you. “Sitting is the new smoking?” Tell that to the monks who meditate in caves for years at a time. There is SO much space in here for planks, army crawls, slow and controlled sit-ups. It’s practically a home gym.

Oh, and that chemical smell should go away in about six months. I think the mild high is kind of enjoyable, personally. Imagine the money you’ll save on weed, which you definitely can’t smoke in here, or we’ll all go up in a raging fireball.

Why can’t you just stay in the guest room, you ask? I need the back half as inventory space for my Etsy shop, and I need the front half as a home office for my virtual wealth manifestation seminar. Remind me, I’ve got a 20% off coupon for you for the seminar. Renting extra space is the kind of side hustle I teach about in chapter eight. You could even sublet the other half of the crawlspace, as long as your renter passes a background check and takes regular covid tests.

Ahh. Coming back out of a crawlspace is like being reborn, it’s so refreshing. I think it would be worth thirteen hundred dollars a month to experience that every day. It’s a steal, you know. This neighborhood is so hot right now. Look at the yard signs! Black Lives Matter! I feel SO much more comfortable knowing that if any of my neighbors actually knew a Black person, their life would matter to them. Hate has no home here!

Cockroaches don’t either—it’s too dry for that until at least June! There’s just the wolf spider in there, and she’s built-in ecological pest control. Come on, you can handle it. You worked for Outward Bound for six years. And I know the wolf spider is a better roommate than Harper. No more passive-aggressive hints about marriage and babies, right? This girl can spawn whenever she wants!

Anyway, as I was saying, you can’t beat this location. We’re a thirty-five-minute walk from Trader Joe's! We're technically only a five-minute walk from the “Crackhead Kroger” (can you believe they call it that?), but the new luxury condo construction is blocking the path.

Just think about it, ok? Thirteen hundred dollars a month is really generous. You’ll have a yard! We can even shave fifty bucks off the rent if you agree to mow it every week! That’s even more free exercise, the kind I encourage in chapter fourteen of my seminar.

See that man over there on the porch? No, don’t wave. That’s Terry. He does naked Tai Chi every morning at six, and you could totally follow along for free. He looks amazing for eighty seven. Just don’t let him see you and drag you into a conversation about how awful the VA hospital is now.

You’d also burn a fuckton of calories running away from Goose and Rainbow, Sandy’s rescue pitbulls. They were banned from the dog run/coffee shop/children’s dance studio around the corner for humping the recycling bins. When they hop our fence, they go straight for Cam’s crotch. So funny.

Anyway, let me know your decision by tomorrow. One of my seminar attendees is offering fifteen hundred, but Cam and I think you’re a better fit, and we love you and want what’s best for you.


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