That was a close one! Just a few seconds ago some robbers tried to steal my car! Thankfully their attempt was foiled when I swallowed my car keys whole, which hurt very badly.

In the moment it made sense. The threat of losing my car greatly outweighed the painful act of swallowing my keys. After the dust settled, however, I wondered if eating sharp metal was the right thing to do.

I acted fast and followed through with an albeit unconventional idea that kept me out of harm's way but the decision poses a new threat that, while it may not affect my personal property, gravely affects my health. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

Sure, they would’ve driven it across town and pulled into some garage where it’d be stripped for parts. Even if the catalytic converter sold below market value, they’d have my change jar for tolls and my snow scraper in the trunk would be there for the taking. That would set me back a few hundred for the car plus the ten hats I keep below the rear windshield, a huge blow.

All that aside, my throat really hurts. I can taste blood.

The looks on the robbers' faces were not of anger that I’d evaded their attempt but of legitimate concern. At that point, they could’ve hotwired my car and drove away quickly but I think my actions really threw them off. One covered his eyes and began retching while the others jogged away shaking their heads and not looking back. From a distance, one shouted that I should get to a hospital.

The other problem it created is that I’m now stranded in my office parking lot. Swallowing my car keys rendered my car useless to the robbers, me, everyone. I feel as though I’ve robbed myself of the opportunity to drive home and have a painless bowel movement.

Every time I breathe it hurts, I’m losing vision in my left eye, and I want to lie down now.

If I’m able to pass the keys with minor injuries, there would be a few more problems: there is no way I’m going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip. Surely it will get stuck like a grappling hook in my rectum. Best case scenario, I'll be forced to put the key into the ignition while the rest of my keys are still stuck inside my body. And if that weren’t painful and difficult enough, I'd still have to somehow drive with my pants down and my back to the windshield.

When I move around I hear them jingling in my stomach which means they have yet to reach my digestive tract. Maybe it’s not too late to vomit them back up. I’ll try smelling that robber’s throw-up pile to see if it makes me throw up too. Okay, I think it’s working, I’m salivating.

Oh no! The robbers have returned and they’re lurking in the distance waiting for me to puke up my keys to rob me again! Well, there’s no stopping the process now. I’ll cough my keys up and then cough my keys up. Here it comes! Blaargh!

Ah, I feel much better. All right, gentlemen, you can come out of your hiding places and retrieve my keys. Try not to ride the clutch so much. Also, the antenna doesn’t go up on its own. You'll have to lift it with your hands before you start driving. And be gentle with her, okay? You know, it’s funny, when I first got her she looked the same as she does right now in this empty parking lot.

Sure, she’s not perfect. Her air conditioning doesn’t work, I can usually hear something rattling around in her engine, and her previous owner was definitely a chainsmoker. But no matter how banged up she was she never quit on me. She’s taken me so many places and held herself together through it all. Even now, the day I say goodbye, she looks as good as the day I met her.

Just take her. Go on now. Normally, I’d apologize for having bile and blood all over my keys but this is a robbery and you are not my friends.

On second thought, what am I doing? Giving up on a car that never gave up on me? That’s what it sounds like. Hell, I don’t know what got into me thinking this was the right move but I know what’s getting into me next: these car keys. That’s right, you heard me. Tell me to stop all you want, I’m swallowing my car keys all over again and nothing—not even my better sense—can stop me. Down the hatch!

A-ha! Now I’ve duped you twice! And you know something else, I think tonight is a perfect night to walk 28 miles home! I could use the exercise and sure, I’ll be in excruciating pain the entire way and might collapse from internal bleeding but what’s a little pain when you protect the things that you hold sacred. Ha! The looks on your faces.

Hold on, those aren’t faces. Those aren’t even people. That’s just a bunch of street signs and a stop sign. Must be a side effect of lead poisoning. I don’t feel so good. I should sleep it off in my car. Damn, it’s locked. The ground works too.

Oh good, there're some people over there coming to help me. That guy says I’ll be on easy street in no time. The other guy says there are road workers ahead that I assume are coming to help me as well. And the third guy says yield.


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