Ominous Bumper Stickers
If You’re Reading This, You’re Paying More Attention To The Road Than I Am
Tag: Pain
We’ve Decided to Open Our Relationship (To the Void)
We simply want to take our committed relationship and invite in the chaotic meaninglessness of a vast and expanding universe.
A Breakup Letter to My Retainer That I Have Not Worn in 241 Days
I'll be honest, I expected to hate you. I thought our relationship would be filled with searing pain, occasional blood, and lots of tears.
I’m a Phone and I’m Wasting My Life Staring at This Human
The man drains my battery from the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep, leaving only a few hours for me to charge overnight.
You’re Caught in a Bear Trap? I’m Not Falling for That Again
“I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Tight up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
As Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
The Golden Ticket Survivors Support Group
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
As the Man Who Cooked This Hanukkah Dinner, I’m Best Suited to Deal with This Salmonella Outbreak
A brief mea culpa from me: as the lone cook of this dinner, I cannot help but feel that I have to bear at least some responsibility for this.
You Know Something, Brother?! I Think We Can Settle This Another Way
I was wondering if we could do this another way. Maybe one that doesn’t require rolling on broken glass or literally lighting each other on fire?
Prepare for Your Mouth’s Ecosystem to Be Decimated by Our Daring New Doritos Flavors
Everyone’s favorite sauce now in chip form! Hot Hot Hollandaise has a triple dose of cayenne for a thoroughly throat-scorching encounter.
I’m Paul’s Bunion
When Paul cried as a child, and his tears created the Great Lakes, it was because of me, the bunion pressing in on his other toes.
I Want to Kill My Cell Phone
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.