Are You in a Kafka Story or on the Phone with a Customer Service Representative?
No one will explain the charge to you, but you are sure it is unjust.
Tag: Pain
Ancient Runestone Coated in the Blood of Serpents vs. Duolingo
The act of searing the runestone to your forehead for eternity feels clunky compared to Duolingo’s smooth user interface.
On Second Thought, Swallowing My Car Keys to Avoid Getting Carjacked Was Probably a Bad Idea
There's no way I'm going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip.
I’m the Bookcase You’re About to Move Upstairs
You ever pick up a felled tree in the woods? Of course you haven’t! That sucker probably weighs 500 pounds! That’s the stuff I’m made of, baby.
Spider-Man Movies Ranked by the Severity of Pain I Experienced Passing a Kidney Stone During the Screening
Widely considered the apex of the Spider-Man films, the first sequel is also significant because its release coincided with the passing of my second kidney stone.
I Own Bob’s Nut Kicker Funhouse, and No One Wants to Work Anymore
We offer employees (or Smash Testes Dummies as they’re known around here) a competitive salary of $2.50 an hour plus any tips!
Approaching Being Buried Alive with a Business Mindset
When a tortuous, claustrophobic death rears its ugly head, winners HUSTLE HARDER.
Candy Corn Tastes like Cheap Trash and That’s Why I Like It
A handful of those tri-colored diabetic nightmares leave me physically ill with my head pulsing in pain. And guess what? I’m into it.
Once I Uncurl Your Tresses, You Will Be the Prettiest Maiden in the Land
The thickness of the summer air has once again damned you. I say, I’m going to return with some hot coals to singe those satan ropes.
I Was the Lemur Handler on “Zoboomafoo” and My NDA Just Expired
I didn’t go to Tisch so I could buy cocaine for a lemur. Plus, lemurs need three times as much snow to get going.
Our Friendship Has Been One Long, Intricate Plot to Get You to Subscribe to My Newsletter
I met you at a time of great need in my life. That need? More readers for my newsletter where I rank pizza shops based on taste, texture, and sauce ratio.
“Very Hungry Caterpillar” Gets an R-Rated Remake
I also can’t seem to remember anything after the second act, which my therapist says is my brain’s way of protecting itself.