Woe is you, dear maiden. For you have been cursed with this thick curly hair. What prince will want you with such weeds growing out of your scalp? You need luscious straight tresses to attract a worthy mate. Fear not. I come with this new potion that will help you look your best for the upcoming ball. It’s a potion, I say, not a poison. And once I pour it on your head and let it sit for three hours, you will be the prettiest maiden in the land and everyone will vie for your hand.
It does not matter that you have inner beauty. In this kingdom, outer beauty opens palace doors.
Now, sit here as I part your scalp and chant a healing hymn while the acorn extract and hydrangea juices work their magic for these tentacles. It’s expected that it should tingle. But as you endure it, think of all the jewels that will be bestowed on you once you are rid of this curly hair curse.
Good maiden. That’ll do it. Look how nice it turned out.
Oh no! It’s been only a month and holy goats what happened? The thickness of the summer air has once again damned you. I say, I’m going to return with some hot coals to singe those satan ropes. Fear not, it will not cause your hair to fall out. It will simply burn the curl devil away. If it hurts, think of how many other maidens will look to you with a jealous eye once your hair is straight.
It does not matter if you like yourself the way you are. When was the last time you saw a princess with such unruliness? And once your new looks get you into the palace, you will thank me. With a pot of gold, yes?
Why hello, again, maiden. I see that spell did not last very long and people are still gossiping about your wild looks in the market. But not to worry. I come bearing leeches.
These special leeches are known to have cured many ailments. Why I just used them to cure another fair maiden of her eye trouble. She no longer requires blasted spectacles. And last week, I used them to pull all of your neighbor’s crooked teeth. And now I’m here to aid you. Thanks to the healing power of these little worms—your looks will be so pleasing.
Now, halt your struggle, it’s just a little pinch, that’s all. These leeches' jaws will barely hurt as they open and clench down on you, right by your roots at the follicle. They will extract blood for twenty minutes. If you feel a need to chunder or swoon, just think of how much land you will rule once you are crowned princess.
You will gift me some of this land for my goodness then, I reckon.
My dear maiden, we meet again. Now, do not hide from me in the market. I see you have not been following my instructions to place the leeches on your scalp nightly—for those ugly squiggles still befall you. I have one last thing you must try. If this does not work, I fear you must be destined to your station in life as an old maid.
It is a device like a rack they use for traitors. And those satan coils, that’s what they are: traitors.
Here girl, lie down on this board. I will stretch your hair far apart. Yes, it will hurt but pain is beauty. When you are queen this will be but a faded memory. Also, when you are queen, you will appoint me beauty sorceress of the land, yes?
I have brought you a dosage of bishopsworth and helium so you will not feel it as much when the boards stretch your hair far apart from the scalp. Once it is stretched, scalding hot plates will clamp down on your tresses and pull it straight.
Good maiden! What happened to your hair? Don’t tell me it’s all gone! Surely it could not have been those scalding hot plates. You must be under too much stress.
You are still on the way to your true fairer self. Do not worry that the plates have ripped every single bit of hair from your scalp. Just don this luscious straight wig. It’s so natural. And it looks much better than that blasted curly hair you once had.
Just don’t let the prince see you without it.
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