I’m a Mad Scientist’s Failed Experiment and I’m Here to Tell You, It Gets Better
Pours some liquid into some test tubes, gets their big science-y machine going, and boom. He made me. This human/frog hybrid “monster.”
Tag: Pain
A Letter from the 2020 Monthly Calendar You Left Behind at Work
You grabbed your coffee cup and some knick-knacks and left me. Do you know what it’s like to get passed over for a Funko Pop toy?
Sick, I Just Filmed Your Shark Attack on My Phone!
Oh, and I totally would've signaled for help earlier, but that idiot kid kept standing in my shot. Down in front, am I right?
Which Sibling Has to Do the Eulogy?
The oldest child doesn’t have to do it, that’s a myth. Of course you believe that, you thought chlamydia came from kissing in the dark until you were 14.
McDonald’s Menu Items Ranked by How Effective They Were at Giving Me the Nutrients I Needed to Break into Ronald McDonald’s Mansion and Try On His Clothes
A 30-Inch Footprint That I Touched and Then Tasted So I Could Begin Tracking Ronald: Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to murmur, “He’s near…”
Living My Best Life on My Terms, Per Your Restraining Order
I respect the State of California’s 100-yard rule, and I value precision, which is why I bought one hundred yardsticks at Home Depot.
Visions I Had After Succumbing to the Madness That Befalls All Men Who Dare Drink the Milk of the Eldest Keebler Elf
If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning.
Dispatches from a Pigeon Trapped in a Grocery Store
9:15 AM – Bad news. No Bread. When I try to talk to Barry, manager Kyle swat at me and call me mean names like “noisy ass pidgeon.”
Ethan Frome’s Depressing-as-Fuck Hometown of Starkfield, MA: Historic Snowshoeing Tour
Is the desolate fucking melancholy setting in yet? That was a rhetorical question. Sorry. I need a new job.
Everything I Told Brenda, Who Waxed My Bikini Line the Day I Became Fully Vaccinated
- Ah, yeah, I got Pfizer, too. - My weekend was good! Just went to the park, socially distanced. How was yours? - AGH, OUCH! Shit. No, I’m okay.
I’m Your Unexpected Hangover and I’m Here to Ruin Your Day
"I only had two glasses of wine with dinner." Ah, ah, ah. Correction: you had two AND A HALF glasses of wine.
Rise and Grind: A Day in the Life of an Alpha Leader
6:00 AM: VOICE AS WEAPON! Silence any interfering neighbor with necessary action.