Hey there! You may not have noticed me, but I'm the guy who grabbed his phone and filmed you while you struggled to wrangle free from that man-eating shark just now. What are the odds?!

Say, while I've got ya here, do you think I could get you to sign a release for the video? If I actually am able to sell this baby, I don't want some lawyer up my ass over a privacy issue. Looks like your right hand is a little unavailable at the moment, so you could use the one that still functions. It doesn't really have to be legible.

Honestly, I'm just as in shock as you appear to be that I had the wherewithal to film in the first place. Oh, and I totally would've signaled for help earlier, but that idiot kid kept standing in my shot. Down in front, am I right? Glad you made it back to the beach in one piece, by the way. More or less.

Wow, are you ever blue. How are you cold? It's like 90 degrees outside.

Anyway, in actuality, I'd say the lion's—or dare I say shark's—share of the footage is probably unusable. I mean, you were obscured from sight practically the whole time, and save for the frenzied onlookers, it was a little anticlimactic—wouldn't you agree? I'm definitely not blaming you or anything, but if we had something closer to Quint's death scene in Jaws, it could have been a real showstopper.

I guess at the very least though, anything beats those dramatic reenactments you find in shark attack shows; they're just so darned cheesy. Kinda makes you wish they let real sharks loose in those staged videos, eh?

Wow, that is a lot of blood. Looks like you could use a makeshift tourniquet. And I'm totally wearing the kind of t-shirt that would work perfectly, but my sunscreen just wore off like 10 minutes ago, and I don't think I could endure the pain of another sunburn. Can you believe our luck?

Where were we? Oh, right. Now I don't claim to be a shark expert—except for when I said it into the camera while recording you—but I'd estimate your attacker to be at least… a 20-footer. Maybe 25, right? Speaking of, you didn't happen to catch what kind it was, did you? I'm not saying it trivializes the severity of an attack like this, but “basking shark” attack doesn't quite have the ring to it that “great white” does. Don't you agree?

Let's just split the difference and call it a bull shark. It'll be our little secret.

Do you think you'll continue to dip in and out of consciousness much longer? No bother, I can wait. I'll just continue to stand here filming like a dad casually wielding a camcorder on Christmas morning. Wave to the camera! Sorry, poor choice of words.

So, random question, but I'm presuming that's your wife over there talking to the coast guard, right? Talk about hysterical. Think she might be up for a quick interview? It doesn't matter if she's not technically camera-ready. Shark attacks and blubbery messes kind of go hand in hand anyway. And as far as you're concerned, sure the camera might add ten pounds, but our little apex predator kind of left you with a deficit to begin with… so it evens out.

Oops, looks like they're getting ready to cart you off the beach. Wait a minute—in an ambulance? You don't even get to ride in one of those cool dune buggies? Lame! Sorry, I'm really sticking my foot in my mouth today, huh?

Don't worry about the signature by the way, I'll just hunt you down later. I guess this is it. Any last words? You know, for the video.

Hey look at that! A shark tooth just dropped out of your leg. Can I keep it?


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