McDonald’s is the biggest fast food chain in the world, and anyone who has ever tasted their delicious soft drinks can understand why. (Do yourself a favor and try their Coca-Cola, you’ll thank me later.)

But as good as their food is, nothing they make can compare to the thrill I receive from putting on Ronald McDonald’s clothes even though I have no permission to do so. Luckily, many of the items on their menu have provided me with the calories I needed to energize myself into breaking and entering into Ronald McDonald’s mansion. The following are my favorite menu items ranked according to how well they facilitated my nefarious goal.

A 30-Inch-Long Footprint That I Touched My Finger To and Then Tasted So I Could Begin Tracking Ronald

While the 30-inch-long footprint on the floor that there could be no doubt was left by the large shoes of the burger clown himself may not be the tastiest item on the menu (in fact, it made me violently ill), it is an essential one. Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to murmur, “He’s near…” before sprinting out of the restaurant. This led to my discovery of a trail of sesame seeds that had fallen out of Ronald’s pockets and led directly to the clown’s castle.

Seven Packets of Ketchup

A little trick I learned is that you can take as many of these as your cargo shorts can hold. Just try not to get jostled around too much because those things are like having live grenades in your shorts; at any moment, they could blow. Seven is the sweet spot for me (six left me still craving more, but I can’t finish eight). Thanks to the high sugar content in them, I had all the energy I needed to wrap my jacket around my fist and punch in the glass on Ronald’s door to open it from the inside.

From there, unlocking his walk-in closet and putting on the infamous yellow jumpsuit by correctly answering the security question in the terminal (Q: Who is the most fucked up guy? A: Hamburglar), was a snap.

A Single M&M That Fell Out of the McFlurry Machine

I don’t know what M&M’s are, but I know one thing; McDonald’s is the only place you can buy them. Just one of these chocolate treats was all I needed to award myself the mental clarity and steady hand required to apply Ronald’s face paints. I felt the strength of the Viking warriors of yesteryear who decorated their faces with these very paints to intimidate their foes before heading into battle. Their bloodlust and brutality was legendary, and in wearing those warpaints, I awoke a thirst for violence within me I had long hoped would remain dormant.

Pennies I Sucked On from the Ronald McDonald House Charity Box

Whatever combination of bacteria and filth that coats these coins was essential to giving me the buzz I needed to place the crown I had long sought upon my head: Ronald’s red wig. No sober mind would be warped enough to do what I did. And before anyone gets mad at me for stealing from charity, please know that I put almost every single coin back in that box and made a verbal commitment to the cashier that I would try to never do it again.

Whopper

I know, I know, technically this is not on the McDonald’s menu, but before departing on my journey, I ran across the street to grab one of these from Burger King and it was real good. An empty stomach is the enemy of concentration, but being full and focused was the very thing that allowed me to keep my wits about when Ronald caught me trying on his clothes. Luckily, his pistol was hung up in its holster in his closet. If I hadn’t eaten that Whopper, who knows if I would have had the wherewithal to shoot him before he was able to call the police?

Dressed in his attire, I gazed upon the clown corpse and realized I could leave my wretched life behind and start anew in his. I have taken the time to describe this process with the understanding that someday, I too shall fall victim to a trespasser killing me in order to become the next Ronald McDonald.

To whomever takes up the task, I say good luck. For this is how it has always been, is, and ever shall be.


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