Gather round, and hear my tale of woe so that you may learn from my imprudence and not fall victim to the same tragedies as I.

For centuries, the secret ingredient of Keebler cookies has been the milk produced from their eldest elf. Consuming it in its undiluted form is said to imbue the drinker with the insight of one thousand Holy men. But this wisdom comes at a price: one’s sanity. Staying lucid for even just a few minutes requires all my strength. If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning and allow the descriptions of my visions to serve as cautionary tales. For what is wisdom without a mind to comprehend it?

The Sinewy Arms of the Keebler Tree Reached Down and Plucked the Soul from My Body

When I tasted the milk, a sweet symphony of flavor danced across my tongue. But no sooner had I removed the eldest Keebler elf’s udder from my mouth than I found myself staring at the gyrating Keebler tree. Though I repented for the sins humans had committed against the forest, the tree was unyielding. It reached into my chest and tore the soul from my body. I have yet to regain it.

I Was Melted Down in a Boiling Bath and Drizzled Over Cookies as I Wailed in Agony

The luxury to grieve the loss of my soul was not awarded to me, as I was immediately whisked away by the Keebler elves. Without my soul, I had neither the energy nor the will to fight back. Before I knew it, they had dumped me into a boiling bath. I felt myself melting, my form changing. My cries of despair delighted the elves and they danced as they poured my liquified body over their cookies. “Though you have made a wretched man,” they taunted, “you will make a fine dessert!”

I Stood Naked While Each Keebler Elf Took Turns Ridiculing My Nudity

Oh, dear listener, I tell you I was overjoyed when I discovered my body had returned to me! But my happiness was short-lived, as what started as relief morphed into shame. My cheeks burned hotter than the Keebler ovens, as each elf pointed and laughed at my nakedness. I found myself cursing the very body I had only just recovered. When the Keebler elves disrobed themselves, it was impossible not to regard the human form as inferior to that of their own. I became aroused, longing to indulge in the sacred ritual of physical passion.

The Keebler Elves and I Indulged in an Orgy of the Flesh and I Gave Birth to My Own Father

A kaleidoscope of ecstasy greeted my eager eyes, as I felt the embrace of the Keebler elves in the way that only those under the trance of lust can know. Though the elves stand only a few inches tall, their bodies felt endless, intertwined with each other’s and my own. Euphoria gave way to pain as the contractions began. With horror, I watched as my own father emerged from my womb, a full-grown adult. He looked at me and only said one word: “Why?” Then he was carried off down a narrow corridor by the elves.

In the Winding Tunnels of Despondence, I Threw a Cookie Like a Discus at My Enemy, Severing His Head from His Body

I chased my father down the corridor and into a series of tunnels, but quickly became lost in the labyrinth that’s been the ruin of many a man. I felt the eyes of another staring at me and the icy chill of danger scurried up my spine. Instinctively, I understood this voyeur meant me harm. Without thinking, I grabbed one of the cookies mounted on the tunnel walls and hurled it like a discus at my would-be assailant, decapitating him. When I went to investigate, I held the severed head in my hands, and to my shock, my own lifeless face gazed back at me. It turned to sand and I watched each grain slip between my fingertips, like the sands of time, lost and never to be found again. The next memory I have, I awoke in the forest, empty and alone.

So next time you see the tantalizing teat of the eldest Keebler elf, think twice before you imbibe in its nectar. Also, be sure to check out Keebler’s website for yummy recipes.