2:00 AM: Air horn goes off. Perform forward shoulder roll off timber. RISE!
2.30 AM: PREPARATION! Put on one size too small combat boots. No socks. Practice your military bowline with shoelaces.
3:00 AM: HARSH WEATHER WARFARE! 40 KM, backwards, eyes blindfolded.
6:00 AM: VOICE AS WEAPON! Call out your cadence chorus over the neighborhood. Silence any interfering neighbor with necessary action.
7:00 AM: TACTICAL COMBAT TRAINING! Location: Enemy's lawn. Launch knucklestrike on his fucking sunflowers. Attack suspicious shadow with full force.
8:00 AM: REBUILD! Duct tape collapsing bones. Refresh sore eyes with Tiger Balm. Practice dislocating and putting back your shoulder with Mel Gibsons Strait Jacket tutorial.
9:00 AM: BREAK THE FAST! Mix egg whites with freshly caught Angus steak. Inject fuel directly into bloodstream with random syringe found in a dark alley. DO NOT STERILIZE. Optimize immune defense system.
10:00 AM: UNDERWATER TRAINING! Wash yourself in a stream of snow grains for 60 minutes. Do NOT remove Ranger Cap.
11:00 AM: UNIFORM YOURSELF: Khakis with a cuff and a crease. “Still Not Loving Police”- shirt. Combat boots. Rucksack filled with emotional baggage. Ranger Cap.
2:00 PM: BRAIN TRAIN: Psychological Warfare on self-esteem: Go through old school photos and reenact your worst childhood traumas. Stand naked in front of a full body mirror and mock yourself, use megaphone. When on the brim of tears—sucker punch yourself and remember who the fuck you are. ALPHA!
2:00 PM: ENEMY LOCATED: Spot enemy walking slowly towards mailbox. Throw yourself out of the kitchen window. BOOYAH! Jump jack towards him at lightspeed.
APPROACH! “WHEN. DID. YOU. RISE!?”
“God, Must you really ask every single morning. It’s always 8:30. Also could you please not touch our flowers, the kids get very sad…”
Be secretly flattered that the enemy has recognized you properly as God. Don’t break eye contact until he asks you back. Do not blink. Ever.
“Alright, alright whatever. When did you..?”
“I RISE AT 2 AM. BEFORE THE BEARS AND THE LIONS, BEFORE THE EAGLES IN THE SKY. I RISE, I GRIND I SURVIVE, I ENDURE. I DON’T FEAR THE ENEMY, I AM THE ENEMY.”
Yell louder the further away he gets.
“I SUFFER. I BLEED. I AM PAIN. I AM DIRT. I HAVE EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT ISSUES AND UNRESOLVED ARGUMENTS WITH MY MOTHER. I HAVE A HARD TIME OPENING UP TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THEY WON’T LIKE THE REAL ME!”
3:00 PM: OPERATION GRANDMA. Mobilize your one-member squad team and prepare your tank for relocation. Reveal destination for yourself.
4:00 PM: Arrive at hospital to visit “dying” grandmother. Realize she will never ever EVER make it through with this lack of discipline. Refuse to be related to a weakling.
“GET UP AND GIVE ME 20 GRANDMA! LET’S GO YOU SISSY! LIFE HIT YOU, WHATCHA GON’ DO ABOUT IT HUH? YOU GON’ HIT BACK!”
Free her from cords of weakness. Tear up when the ECG-monitor makes the air horn sound. Leave before anyone notices you have “feelings.”
6:00 PM: Arrive at the gates of salvation. Order whiskey as props for your deep life contemplation.
9:00 PM: INTERNAL BLEEDING. Understand that’s why you were cranky during parachute training last week. Period benefits: True warriors bleed internally without dying every month. Disadvantages: Depletes iron supply.
11:00 PM: Detect husband in kitchen. Sneak up on him and perform an arm lock takedown, for funsies!
12:00 AM: Retreat to your bivouac and cuddle up on your timber plank. Reward yourself with a lullaby story by Joe Rogan. When the sun rises once again, your real alpha training begins.