The last barrel is full, folks! Let's shut the doors to the aging facility, lock them up real tight, and we’re good to go. I want to thank everyone for coming out. This is the official start of our new wine company. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Nicely done, nicely done. Welp, let's head on out.

What’s that? You guys have questions? Fair enough. You’d like me to host a little Q&A session, huh? No problem. Hit me with some questions. What do you have for me?

When should we expect the first bottles? Good question. Lets see, lets see. Today is February 8th, 2022. And the barrels will have to age for 17 years so that would place us at February 8th, 2039, give or take a few days. Yep, that sounds about right. Any more questions?

One at a time, one at a time. Please, don’t shout them out. Yes, you in the front.

When will we all get paid? Another great question. You guys are good. Came prepared. All right, so let's see. Once the chardonnay finishes aging in early 2039, we need a little more labor out of you before your first check. That will involve processing the wine into bottles, designing a label, marketing the wine, distributing the wine to vendors, hopefully selling the wine, collecting the profits, and then at long last paying off my tremendous debt. And then you will get your first checks. My projection for that is early to mid 2040.

All right, are we good? Oh, more questions, okay. Yes, you.

What do we do in the meantime? Well, for the younger workers I suggest you learn a trade or pursue a cost-effective career. For some, this means earning a degree and for others, it means pursuing careers that don’t require degrees. It depends from person to person.

All I can say is, follow your dreams, whatever they are. Keep a steady hobby. Have a favorite sports team. Go to museums. Share a laugh with strangers. Dance. Make love. Listen more than you speak. Watch the sunrise. Tell people what they mean to you. And when it comes time to settle down, find someone that makes you happy, doesn’t matter who.

And tell them I’ll mess them up if they ever break your heart. That’s a promise.

If you can promise me one thing, it’s this. Make the kid inside you happy with who you’ve become and make the version of you who’s 17 years older proud of what you did for me today.

As for the older crewmembers, I really hope you’ll be there at the end of this process. I really really do. But a lot can happen in 17 years. If you are… elsewhere, we will pay your next of kin what you are owed. But I think we’ll all make it to the reunion, right guys? Like Dave, how old are you? Don’t look a day past 60!

You’re 93 years old in June?! Wow, okay. Well, you never know. You could make it. Yeah, you could be hoisting those barrels up over your head 17 short years from now at age… seven plus nine… 109! With the way science is today, you never know.

More questions? You there, yes.

What if the wine doesn’t sell? That would be somewhat of a living nightmare! I mean, golly. But since you asked, I’ll answer. First, the creditors will come after me—rightly so, I owe them a lot of money—and before I can get my name changed, they’ll garnish my wages. There’ll be so many debt collectors looking for me, I’ll find refuge in a poorly staffed Planet Fitness and make do with what little I have. From there, I’d get jacked enough to live off the land in that stretch of wilderness behind the Chevron.

I have time for one more question. You guys have been great but it's been a long day.

Did you hire Dave and an inordinate amount of older people so you won’t have to pay for their labor in 17 years because there’s no way of knowing if you’ll even make a profit? Come, now. You think I’d do that? Raise your hand if you’re older than 70. That’s a lot of hands. Okay, raise your hand if you’re older than 80. See, that’s only half.

I think we need to think more positively. The way I look at it: we’re only 17 hot rod calendars away from the big day. Think about it like 204 unique pictures of souped-up classic cars and it’ll go by like that.

Normally you’d cap off this sort’ve occasion by toasting or christening the aging facility with a wine bottle but we haven’t produced any yet so imagine a wine bottle in my hand while I swing it near the corner of the building and imagine you have a glass of wine in your hand. Pow! Glug glug glug! Ahhh! Delicious.

Nothing like the taste of 8,935,200 minutes!


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