I got good news and bad news.

The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news.

The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.

The good news is that, even though there’s none, the bad news isn’t that bad—in fact, it’s kind of good.

The bad news is that if you wanted bad news, there isn’t any beyond this which is both good and bad, as promised.

The good news is that I will reveal the news itself shortly.

Bad news is I have more to say until then.

Good news is I brought a slice of your favorite chocolate cake to share in the meantime.

Bad news is I ate it all on the way here.

Good news is I brought a backup slice since I knew I’d get hungry and eat yours.

Bad news is it’s the original cake after I’ve thrown it up and molded it back into shape.

The good news is we can put that behind us, never to think of it again when we realize we’re just so lucky to be alive on this earth every day and discover the innate ability within ourselves to take the good with the bad.

The bad news is we didn’t realize it sooner.

Good news is I have a time machine.

Bad news is that even minor changes you make will lead to WWIII in the present.

Good news is I destroyed it.

Bad news is, WWIII? Still on the way.