To all the charitable souls out there, I urgently need your help after my latest extravagant shindig has left my estate in shambles. Look here, old sports. Seeing that I, Jay Gatsby, paid for the food, bar and live jazz orchestra, I see no reason why I should also be stuck with the cleaning service bill. If you attended the party please do the right thing and donate, especially if you’re the one who tossed his cookies in my elegant oak-paneled Gothic library.

Comments

J Baker
Thinking of you in your time of need.

Owl Eyes
Apologies for the library, dear chap. Sending a few C-notes your way.

$11,500 raised of $20K

Gatsby here once more. Regrettably my Rolls-Royce has struck down a woman in the street, leaving me to deal with the tragedy of a damaged fender and broken headlight. I think you’ll agree, old sports, that since I wasn’t the one driving, it’s only fair the damage not come out of my deep pockets.

And so my Rolls now faces an uncertain future. To add insult to injury, the papers are calling it the “death car.” Low and vulgar, I say. Will you ease my burden by intervening in a positive way? Here’s hoping you’ll see fit to direct your thoughts and prayers—and financial contributions—to my beloved motor car.

Comments

Dan Cody
Keep the faith, GG. You and your Rolls will get through this and come out stronger than before.

Okie Tom
Us folks in the Joad clan lost the family farm and are makin’ the long, hard trek to California in our jalopy, but your sorrowful story touched our wretched hearts. Please use prudently the 14 cents we’re givin’.

$63,800 raised of $75K

Greetings again, old sports. I hate to ask for further help, but another unbearable hardship has disrupted my gilded life. It seems I’ve just thrown all of my neatly-stacked shirts around the room in some bizarre attempt to win back an old flame. Soft, rich shirts of multiple colors. Shirts of sheer linen and thick silk and fine flannel. Shirts with stripes and scrolls and plaids. Seriously, you’ve never seen such beautiful shirts. They’d blow your mind. Sadly, someone will have to pick them up.

Your generosity will cover essential expenses such as folding, re-stacking and, if necessary, ironing. Thanking you in advance for your gracious gift which will afford me hope and security as I build back my life, and my stack of beautiful shirts.

Comments

Daisy B
You’re making me cry all over again.

$839,000 raised of $500K

Good day. This is Jay Gatsby’s father, Henry, reaching out to all of you kind hearted strangers with curious amounts of disposable income. The shocking murder of my son has left me in sole possession of his estate, including ivy-covered mansion (with accompanying tower), Rolls, forty sprawling acres of lawn and gardens, and a disturbing number of shirts.

However, the true horror lies within the lavish marble swimming pool, a key symbol of Jay’s—and possibly our society’s—wealth and indulgence. This being the spot where he met his dramatic end, it was crucial that all unsightly traces of blood be removed in preparation of the next extravagant shindig.

Unfortunately, this required draining the pool. Now that it must be refilled, I find myself woefully in need, as the servants can’t seem to locate a convenient hose. Therefore, I must beg you to consider donating every bottle of champagne you can spare in this, my direst hour. Please: none of the cheap stuff.

Comments

M. Wolfsheim
With deepest condolences, I raise a glass of Moët and Chandon. Cheers!

Owl Eyes
Sorry to hear about the pool, dear chap. Sending a few cases of the good stuff your way.

50,000 gal raised of 50K