Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
And God said, “Let there be great music so none of them talk to each other,” and there was a DJ who worked in finance but DJed on the side.
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
Commemorative Wedding Tote Bag: My existence is a joke, just send me to Goodwill so I can reunite with my siblings.
Our institution has always transformed negative experiences into learning opportunities; that’s kind of our whole deal.
People are buying your data. What people? Well, maybe not people in general, but definitely the hideous creature you created.
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
Tic Tac Toe: a clever way to tell a girl you like her?
I regret that I have but one chance to offer a high five to the executioner while I’m on the gallows and then say, "Hey, don’t leave me hanging!"
That time you got your first martini at the airport and took a pic for the group chat before tasting it and realizing you hate martinis.