It’s Possible Jay Gatsby Is Abusing GoFundMe
I urgently need your help after my latest extravagant shindig has left my estate in shambles. Look here, old sports.
Tag: Regret
Five Turtles You Saved to Get into College and the Spine-Chilling Deaths They’ve Died Since
From the moment you looked into Doris's eyes, you knew that your father's assistant who majored in Comp Lit at Yale would find the right words to describe them.
An Open Letter to Yo Momma: I’m Sorry
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
Welcome to the Stages of Grief Expansion Pack!
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
The Book of Genesis, If God Was Creating a Party
And God said, “Let there be great music so none of them talk to each other,” and there was a DJ who worked in finance but DJed on the side.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
Tote Bags Unpack Their Emotional Baggage
Commemorative Wedding Tote Bag: My existence is a joke, just send me to Goodwill so I can reunite with my siblings.
As President of the School of Hard Knocks, I Regret to Inform You Our Institution Is Not Accredited
Our institution has always transformed negative experiences into learning opportunities; that’s kind of our whole deal.
You Should Quit Social Media Because You Are Being Pursued by a Hideous Creature of Your Own Making
People are buying your data. What people? Well, maybe not people in general, but definitely the hideous creature you created.
Do I Regret It?
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
A List of Apologies to Establishments from Which I Have Been Banned
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
My Last Thoughts as My Chair Tipped Over Backwards That One Time in 3rd Grade
Tic Tac Toe: a clever way to tell a girl you like her?