Commemorative Wedding Tote Bag: My existence is a joke, just send me to Goodwill so I can reunite with my siblings.
Our institution has always transformed negative experiences into learning opportunities; that’s kind of our whole deal.
People are buying your data. What people? Well, maybe not people in general, but definitely the hideous creature you created.
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
Tic Tac Toe: a clever way to tell a girl you like her?
I regret that I have but one chance to offer a high five to the executioner while I’m on the gallows and then say, "Hey, don’t leave me hanging!"
That time you got your first martini at the airport and took a pic for the group chat before tasting it and realizing you hate martinis.
I would pet little dogs, big dogs, toy dogs, and dogs that don’t even look like dogs. Boring dogs. Cool dogs. Hot dogs. All the dogs.
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.
I really believed that a gang of scrappy, oddball teenage underdogs like us could pull this off against all odds.
Looking down and seeing my legs dangling over a 400-foot drop has helped me to put certain decisions I’ve made about my life into focus.