Jess was always really happy. It’s just that she was usually too sad to show it. And I should know, as her best friend since fourth grade.
Beg. Lie prostrate before corporate HQ and beg. You are not above this. You have never been above this.
In our letter describing “a story like a deep gash, revealing what was underneath the skin,” we were referring to the other Carl’s short masterpiece.
I have to leave you, because an appreciable amount of a chemical compound that smells like feces has been detected in Venus’ upper atmosphere.
Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall - Use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!”
Deep, deep down, I do miss cleaning the bathroom after my son eats Chipotle’s Super Burrito with extra queso.
I’m here to tell you that you’re totally right about today not being the right day for a run. You really don’t want any part of this, man.
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
While you were once regaled with the chimes of wedding bells, you now shrivel before a vinegary antipasto and await the crushing gavel of defeat.
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
The past six years have been rewarding and have not been a "suck chamber" where I’ve "eagerly counted down until my death."
There's no better job out of college than playing in the MLB. Great pay, fame, and most of the time you’re standing around and not doing anything.