Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me
In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you into the hand of Rob Corddry.
Tag: Regret
Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night
Your mom; Dude you haven't seen since elementary school---didn’t he go to jail?; Memorial account for your deceased friend.
It Appears Your 2018 Ballot Has Erroneously Been Cast for Gritty, The Mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers
These events are particularly disturbing given that we do not know Gritty's political party, nor is he a resident of the state of Texas.
Five Airbnb Listings You Literally Need to Book Right Now
Hal's Review: "About 13,000 people died there in the early 1900s, but you could hardly tell!"
I Voted for Donald Trump Because I Thought He’d Help Me Win Sandra Back—I Was Wrong
Of course, he was pursuing a shoddy, ill-conceived attempt to normalize relations with North Korea: it would be a great honeymoon spot.
Your #MeToo “Apology” for Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected
If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection. Do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.
Don’t Blame Me, Blame the Stars!
I mean who hasn’t punched their roommate’s mother because Saturn was in Cancer? I'm not sure how else anyone would have expected me to act.
You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House and Stole a Bunch of Your Shit—Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything to Goodwill
And yes, before you ask, this is the best I could come up with---I mean, what was supposed to do? Not break into your house and steal a bunch of shit?
Everything I Have Fantasized About Doing If I Ever Finish “Infinite Jest”
15. Regretting having wasted time and energy on what was pretty much what you would expect a 1,079-page novel written by a white guy in 1996 to be.
I Hunted the Most Dangerous Game: The Animatronic Creatures at The Rainforest Cafe
A lot of people will call into question whether or not attacking robots in a theme restaurant can be considered a sport.