I’m the Friend from a Prestige Documentary, and You’d Have Missed the Red Flags Too
Jess was always really happy. It’s just that she was usually too sad to show it. And I should know, as her best friend since fourth grade.
Tag: Regret
Job Offer Still Rescinded Due to Virus? Break Back into the Workforce
Beg. Lie prostrate before corporate HQ and beg. You are not above this. You have never been above this.
We Regret to Inform You That the Acceptance Letter You Received Was Meant for a Different Carl
In our letter describing “a story like a deep gash, revealing what was underneath the skin,” we were referring to the other Carl’s short masterpiece.
They Found a Biosignature on Venus, So I Guess I’m Leaving My Wife
I have to leave you, because an appreciable amount of a chemical compound that smells like feces has been detected in Venus’ upper atmosphere.
How to Mount a Sliding Barn Door and Get a Divorce at the Same Time
Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall - Use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!”
My Life as an Empty Nester, According to Concerned Family and Friends
Deep, deep down, I do miss cleaning the bathroom after my son eats Chipotle’s Super Burrito with extra queso.
I’m You 30 Minutes from Now and I Definitely Regret Going for That Run
I’m here to tell you that you’re totally right about today not being the right day for a run. You really don’t want any part of this, man.
How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
As a Divorce Photographer, I Want to Commemorate Your Imminent Separation
While you were once regaled with the chimes of wedding bells, you now shrivel before a vinegary antipasto and await the crushing gavel of defeat.
The Vlad Quartet Is Not Playing at Ronnie Scotts
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
I’d Like to Add 50 More Weeks to My Two Week’s Notice
The past six years have been rewarding and have not been a "suck chamber" where I’ve "eagerly counted down until my death."
My Only Job Option Is to Play Professional Baseball
There's no better job out of college than playing in the MLB. Great pay, fame, and most of the time you’re standing around and not doing anything.