A Template for Confessing Your Infidelity and/or Announcing You Are the New Pope
I think we can all agree: it is odd how a single (accidental text message / vote with my fellow Cardinals) can change the course of history
Tag: Regret
I’m Furious That My Soul-Crushing Novel Isn’t a Bestseller
But after all my sacrifice, my masterpiece sold only sixty-three copies, fifty of which I pawned my furniture to buy.
I Miss the Days When Men Were Men and Women Were Something Strange and Terrible We Don’t Dare Discuss
Things were easier then. Parents were parents, children were children, and unlike today’s children, they didn’t grow into adults either.
I’m the Basil Plant You Bought at the Farmer’s Market—We Need to Talk
It’s not like I expected you to use me every meal. You can’t have basil all the time, I get it. I’ll be here when you need me, I said.
Playful Cheeseburger Sliders, Motherly Advice, and a Sincere Apology
Glen Lentil goes patty wild, our horoscope writer just wants what's best for you, and a pool manager owns up to an honest mistake.
My Latest Job Rejection Email, Translated
We hope this message finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. (We hope you have other things going for you, like parents with substantial savings.)
Mistakes Were Made: One Intern’s Heartfelt Apology, Written Entirely in the Passive Voice
The clients’ voicemails were mistakenly deleted, as the functions of the different button thingies had been forgotten.
Who Said “I Can’t Get Over It”?
- A woman whose boyfriend just proposed to her on the football stadium’s Jumbotron - A really bad hurdler - Moses without a staff
My Vision Board Works, But Each Goal I Achieve Comes at a Terrible Cost
Finally, he asked me in a deep Brooklyn accent, “You here for the vision board supplies?”
Eulogy for My Motivation
My motivation was killed by me throwing my phone out the window when my alarm went off for the fifth time and I didn’t want to get up for a run.
Your Hubris Got the Best of You When You Picked Me, the Handbasket at the Grocery Store
Here we are. You have already used up all of my space in the first ten seconds of being at this Safeway.
Headlines I Wasted My “Free Articles” on Before Hitting the Paywall
"Check Out This Really Big Plate of Spaghetti" (9/1/20) – It seemed like an excellent decision at the time. It was a really big plate.