We hope this message finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe.
We hope you have some other things going for you, like parents with substantial savings or friends with lots of time on their hands, to schlep your heavy financial and emotional burdens.
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider you for employment.
Thank you for wasting our time.
We appreciate the effort you invested in your application.
Your cover letter was way too long and borderline desperate. Our system immediately flagged it as both “pathetic’”because it’s over 150 words and “scary” because of its multiple exclamation points.
We were humbled by the number of people that applied.
We get thousands of applications for every job posting because we are a global tech giant and everyone wants to work here. One applicant was a research assistant at the White House during the first Obama administration. You were an intern at a college radio station during the second Bush administration. That does not make you relevant.
Yours was among many impressive applications we received.
You are not special. But you know who is? An applicant that sent us a TikTok video of himself lip syncing to Steve Jobs’ “Connecting the Dots” story. That guy is the perfect fit for our culture because he is innovative, disruptive, and totally original. You are no unicorn. You are at best a less attractive, less charismatic Eeyore.
We regret to inform you, after careful review of your resume, we will not be moving forward with your candidacy.
We regret nothing. Honestly, you don’t even deserve this automated rejection, but we believe in a people-first culture of transparency, clear communication, and radical candor. Here’s the deal, your resume is undeserving of human eyes, and you are undeserving of human kindness. We wouldn’t even wipe our dog’s ass with it, even if his fuzzy, wiggly butt was covered with dingleberries.
Although you aren’t a match for this position, please keep us in mind for future opportunities.
How dare you apply to this position. Why don’t you take your cheap state school degree, your worthless professional network, and your precious “16 years of relevant experience” and apply for one of our summer internships, so we can reject you from that too.
We hope you don't mind if we keep your details on file.
We hope you don’t mind if we keep your details on file in our marketing database and spam you. You can try to unsubscribe, but it will only make it worse because then we’ll know that the email address you provided is active. We’ve already sold your information to multiple data houses, which you so eagerly consented to by checking a little box on the application agreeing to our terms and conditions. No amount of Febreze can mask your reek of desperation.
Stay connected with us on social media.
Follow us on social to see what your life could have been like if you weren’t such a wretched, godforsaken, talentless failure that wasted years working for non-profits.
Best regards from our Talent Recruiting Team
Note: Do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you will not receive a response.
Do not even think about contacting us you vile, maggot-infested, lump of human turd. Seriously, fuck off.