Good evening everyone.

I’d like to thank you all for gathering here today in my garage—that I didn’t take the time to clean out—to celebrate my motivation's short, well-lived life. I know there have been some rumors of how my motivation died, and I’d like to clear the air now. My motivation was killed by me throwing my phone out the window when my alarm went off for the fifth time and I didn’t want to get up for my planned 7 AM run.

I was unaware that when I threw my phone out the window that my motivation would be going with it.

No, I did not plan the incident nor did I want it to happen. I am not a murderer, but I’m also aware that my ability to not put in the effort to do things on time is what killed my dear motivation. I wish I could say I deeply regret not getting up at 6:45 AM on a Sunday to go for a run, but I do not regret that decision.

I want to talk about the amazing support system my motivation was and all it did for me. I know we had a rocky relationship and fought every day, but deep, deep down we loved and needed each other. We had amazing times together and I hope to hold these memories with me until the day I die. I don’t think I will ever forget us staying up late studying for our statistics exam, or the time we took up doing our makeup every day, or when we used to read books and actually finish them.

I mean, I’m not gonna go off and make scrapbooks of these memories but they were great ones.

Motivation used to give me the best advice too. I’ve kept it to myself all these years but, today I’d like to share it with you all. Anytime I wanted to not plan my week, or not take a shower, my motivation would look me in the eyes and say, “give up.”

Or was it “never give up?” I’m totally blanking right now but it was cool at the time. I guess you just had to be there.

Also, I know that everyone here is mad at me because they know that, if I looked deep within myself and asked my goals and positivity for help, I could bring my motivation back to life. Yes, I could bring my motivation back… or I could just binge every season of Love Island.

I guess the choice is mine.

Since motivation’s passing, I haven’t really done anything. Like, at all. I’m just winging this eulogy right now and it’s going really well. Truthfully, I may actually be enjoying myself more now that my motivation is out of my life.

Well, I probably shouldn’t have admitted to that at the funeral. I rescind that statement and ask you guys to just remember all the good things I said before.

Alright well, thank you to the very few people for showing up today. Have a safe drive home. Oh and if anyone wants my “work hard and be humble” poster I’m just going to leave it up here.