Beg. Lie prostrate before corporate HQ and beg. You are not above this. You have never been above this. In fact, you were shocked to be hired in the first place. No, you were shocked to be interviewed, and you know what? It showed. I don’t think you sold that you have ever “settled a conflict” before. And now look at you, starting a conflict. The good news is you will now have something to talk about in your next interview. But it’s not time to give up quite yet.
Crying failed? Offer your firstborn child. You already signed over your firstborn child to get that signing bonus? Good. Get pregnant now. You finally have the free time and it’s something you have maybe, probably, definitely considered before. Or at the very least been so anxious before that you may be pregnant that you stress fantasized about raising a child at a young age much like the women in Gilmore Girls.
Send a very aggressive email to HR insisting that you get the signing bonus since you have already planned your pregnancy. Panic about sending a very aggressive email to HR and ponder how corporate lawsuits work.
It’s too late to doubt yourself now. I bet all the big business executives are sitting in corporate HQ and chuckling to themselves saying, “How on earth did we plan on hiring her? She will never reach the white-Mercedes-vacation level of this prestigious company.”
Let them laugh because you still have your Hail Mary pass to throw: pregnancy! A little known fact is that the Virgin Mary called on God to impregnate her as a last attempt to whip Joseph into shape. They wrote this part out of the Bible though, because God looks too progressive and we needed to ease into the chill New Testament God. You feel empowered now that you know the truth of Mary’s story.
Alas, an excuse to have sex. But with whom?
Open the messages on your phone. Search the phrase “Sorry but…” Tens of messages come up. Many people have said this to you. Time has passed and surely they have looked back at our failed relationship with deep regret. Weirdly enough, there are no messages where you say this to someone. Look into that later.
Pick the lucky suitor. May I suggest you pick based on who is closest to your current location? Ah yes, Peter from the Groupon mixology class you took last summer. Text him, “What have you been up to lately?” Pour a drink to unwind. You’re ahead of schedule. Hours later, Peter responds, “Sorry, but who is this?”
You know what? Pregnancy is for people who never moved away from your hometown. Who needs a job when you can be a self-employed self-starter? Forget about corporate HQ. It’s time to kickstart your career as an entrepreneur. Right after you file for unemployment.