Step 1: Measure Your Doorway
You’re competent enough to do that, right? Or is that too much to ask? But you definitely want to measure for yourself. And you know what, measure it again, because you probably didn’t do it right the first time.
Step 2: Buy a Barn Door
What, you can’t build one? Oh, “I don’t know how” is such a great excuse. Did you look online for a simple step-by-step tutorial? No, buy one instead. They’re how much? Better get yourself a part-time job Mr. “I’m Doing the Best I Can.”
See Also: How to Build a Barn Door and Not Strangle Your Wife
Step 3: Buy a Barn Door Hardware Kit
Really? That’s what you bought? What is this, the cheapest one you could find?
Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall
You’re going to want to use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!” Just find the damn studs, mark them with a pencil, and don’t say a fucking word.
Step 5: Mount the Header Board to the Wall
When you realize you have no idea how a stud finder works, and you’ve drilled right through the drywall, just keep drilling holes until you find a stud.
Step 6: Start to Sweat
Awesome! You’ve barely started, and you’ve already destroyed a wall!
Step 7: Mount the Header Board to the Wall, for Real This Time
Just screw the board into the studs. It doesn’t get much simpler than this. Please, please don’t fuck this one up.
Step 8: Mount the Track to the Header Board
The metal track should have pre-drilled holes that line up with the studs, but yours won’t because you bought the cheapest (shittiest) mounting hardware you could find.
Step 9: Maybe Drill Holes Right Through the Metal Track Where You Need Them?
Good luck with that.
Step 10: Don’t Punch a Hole in the Drywall
See Also: How to Patch Up the Hole You Punched in the Drywall Because You’re Emotionally Stunted
Step 11: Don’t Talk to Me Like That!
Oh, okay, big tough guy, Mr. Violent Outburst Wall-Puncher. Feeling a little inadequate? Definitely take it out on your family. Swear, slam doors! What a great husband and father you are!
Step 12: Watch Your Wife Pack a Bag for Your Crying Children
They’re just going to the park or something, right? They won’t be gone too long. Just a couple hours… right?
Step 13: Look at the Mess You Made
Literally, and figuratively.
Step 14: Call a Handyman to Install Your Sliding Barn Door
And probably to patch up that hole you punched in the drywall, since you definitely aren’t going to do that right, either.
Step 15: Watch in Awe as the Handyman Effortlessly Mounts the Hardware and Door
He’s pretty charming, too. Damn. Pay the man. Offer extra for lessons in how to be useful and charming.
Step 16: Post Pictures on Facebook
Caption it with something like, “Installed the barn door today.” Enjoy every single “like.” Savor the comments about how beautiful your home is.
See Also: How to Find the Right Apartment Because Your Wife Kicked You Out